Friday, 1 August 2014


Whatever is afoot here is  most highly curious and confusing. 
1st August, Lughnassadh, time for reaping what we have sown within and without so I should not be surprised at the seeming coincidence of moving house on this day.  Moving out.  I have trouble saying 'moving out' and don't refer to the new house as 'Mummy's house' but 'the second house' and I've dropped referring to Cliff as 'the kids father' which for definition I did when we first separated, I've started using his name again when talking to folks.  I'm not excited, but I am not fearful.  I can't decide if I am numb and detached or weather it is equanimity gently emerging.
It is hard to untangle the cerebral string ball the cat of my consciousness is playing with up there.
Keeping perspective, remembering motives, trying not to over analyse feelings: difficult in the face of the incredibly pleasant month or so we have had in the run up to the move.  We seem more our own selves to ourselves and each other.  And whilst wonderful, it sucker punched me with grief and confusion.  I am in no doubt there are lessons here for me to learn and I know I'll pull them through,  when I'm supposed to, once the waters clear.
Moving feels right yet simultaneously it doesn't.  It feels real yet surreal.  Surreality I'm calling it.  Bittersweet, all those things.  It doesn't feel like the end curiously and of course I know it is not entirely - we will see each other every couple of days to pass the baton but where before we couldn't bare each others company cohabiting any longer, with recent pleasantries shyly returning, what happens if separated we want to start hanging out again?
Regardless of confusion and cats and string, space is undoubtedly benefitting us and in a succinct way I am looking forward to finding myself for I have never had my own house before.  I left home at 17 but have always shared living space.  At 32 I will have my own house for the first time.
I am keeping my heart open, to whatever the universe intends.  I am not closing any doors only opening new ones.  I am putting love light peace and happiness right out there because there is nothing else for it.
These garden swoons are from this morning.  Gaia was out harvesting the biggest sweetest blackberries you ever did see at 8am.  I will dearly miss this garden, this sprawling urban wilderness I have encouraged and nurtured.
And we had fun with Henna together too!  She looks absolutely incredible with burning copper hair, it suits her more than the mousey blonde hidden beneath.  Random passers by have commented all week on her amazing hair, stunned to learn it isn't her natural colour, possibly more shocked I let her henna it in the first place! 


She swam 3/4 of a length of the big pool with no armbands this week and Zander is now reading chapter books fluently by himself.  How they grow so quickly! 

Walking brightly, with love X

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