Monday, 18 August 2014

Purpose & Place

Who am I and what am I here for? 
The days and nights that I do not have the imps staying with me I watch myself intermittently feeling purposeless and lost.  Strange it was to linger in bed the first solitary Sunday morning - irksome to catch myself thinking what is the point in getting up there is no thing I must attend to no purpose to my presence no reason.  Then once finally emerging only to hide all day in culinary distractions seasoning each dish with salty tears, admonishing myself for even contemplating this part time parenting model!
I am so used to being mama and house wife I have no idea how to be just Rose.  In fact who is just Rose?  And what is she here for besides Mama and guide to Zander & Gaia?
It occurs to me that whilst in this beginning it  stings and smarts to be without the two remote pieces of my heart I created, space that at first is feeling irksome and awkward may contain a luxurious opportunity that would not otherwise have been afforded me.  The opportunity to, out of necessity, identify myself singularly and then grow myself exponentially. 
How about that. 
Always with love X

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Stripping Back

Welding words together on an analytically emotional level is not right, not now.  I am content with not knowing how I feel or what I want.  I'm content with existing in a metaphysical limbo, content with the Zen of day by day, stripping back to the basics of being. 
With these two homes in our children's lives, in our lives now, there are half the material possessions surrounding us than there used to be.  Moving offered up the perfect opportunity to radically de-clutter and with my new home an empty box on arrival I have continued to de-clutter as I have unpacked.  I often wonder how it is possible to accumulate so much 'stuff' but then stuff sometimes holds stories and for that I love it. Some of it.
I'm simplifying in the kitchen too, enjoying a more basic approach to food as I don't have to stock my cupboards with anything I don't want now.  I can focus my attention on the simple wholefoods I love and believe in whilst chores are ever more manual now that I have no dishwasher.
My space my rules, so I have ditched the TV license and the myriad channels: no-one ever watched them anyway.  I am content with simply my internet connection and Netflix for purposeful viewing and with the television gone time stretches infinitely in front of us, our days lengthen filling with increased quality and endless opportunity.  It has been insanely refreshing to have a fortnight away from the internet.
I felt like I was on holiday and filled out my being with real presence rather than being distracted and drawn away from unsuspecting moments by the white noise of social media but oh how I have missed streaming and discovering music.  I even had to buy and read the paper to keep up with global affairs!  I have relished filling this gifted time with playing endless games, home baking, reading books, craft projects, post dinner strolls to the park and the Italian deli that sells the best ice cream in the world ever!  I have been thankful of having real mental space to process.  I have enjoyed all these ways of being and retrospectively we aren't doing badly I suppose, but the oceanic ebb and flow of emotions and copings - mine and the children's can be a little challenging.  We are all at one point or another during the day on a knife edge.
But there you have it.  It was never going to be easy, it is all about damage limitation which is a precarious balance when their wee consciousness's are unaware of simply being able to trust the process as we strive to. 
Keen to capture happy moments to hold in my heart here are the first from this new space of ours ...

 I love that they love.
I'm trying hard baby bears, real hard.  Love and light X

Friday, 1 August 2014


Whatever is afoot here is  most highly curious and confusing. 
1st August, Lughnassadh, time for reaping what we have sown within and without so I should not be surprised at the seeming coincidence of moving house on this day.  Moving out.  I have trouble saying 'moving out' and don't refer to the new house as 'Mummy's house' but 'the second house' and I've dropped referring to Cliff as 'the kids father' which for definition I did when we first separated, I've started using his name again when talking to folks.  I'm not excited, but I am not fearful.  I can't decide if I am numb and detached or weather it is equanimity gently emerging.
It is hard to untangle the cerebral string ball the cat of my consciousness is playing with up there.
Keeping perspective, remembering motives, trying not to over analyse feelings: difficult in the face of the incredibly pleasant month or so we have had in the run up to the move.  We seem more our own selves to ourselves and each other.  And whilst wonderful, it sucker punched me with grief and confusion.  I am in no doubt there are lessons here for me to learn and I know I'll pull them through,  when I'm supposed to, once the waters clear.
Moving feels right yet simultaneously it doesn't.  It feels real yet surreal.  Surreality I'm calling it.  Bittersweet, all those things.  It doesn't feel like the end curiously and of course I know it is not entirely - we will see each other every couple of days to pass the baton but where before we couldn't bare each others company cohabiting any longer, with recent pleasantries shyly returning, what happens if separated we want to start hanging out again?
Regardless of confusion and cats and string, space is undoubtedly benefitting us and in a succinct way I am looking forward to finding myself for I have never had my own house before.  I left home at 17 but have always shared living space.  At 32 I will have my own house for the first time.
I am keeping my heart open, to whatever the universe intends.  I am not closing any doors only opening new ones.  I am putting love light peace and happiness right out there because there is nothing else for it.
These garden swoons are from this morning.  Gaia was out harvesting the biggest sweetest blackberries you ever did see at 8am.  I will dearly miss this garden, this sprawling urban wilderness I have encouraged and nurtured.
And we had fun with Henna together too!  She looks absolutely incredible with burning copper hair, it suits her more than the mousey blonde hidden beneath.  Random passers by have commented all week on her amazing hair, stunned to learn it isn't her natural colour, possibly more shocked I let her henna it in the first place! 


She swam 3/4 of a length of the big pool with no armbands this week and Zander is now reading chapter books fluently by himself.  How they grow so quickly! 

Walking brightly, with love X