Sunday, 29 June 2014

Midsummer memories

My dad always used to say to me that something's are meant to be precious memories and not captured and immortalised in photography.  Over the years I have forgotten my camera or found it out of juice at seemingly the most inconvenient of times!  The ones where the sunset is unspeakably beautiful and a large band of children all wear smiles and mischief on their faces.  Where friends and kindred spirits laze luxuriantly and faithfully round a fire sharing laughter, cider, music and company till the wee wee hours.  Yes!  I had no camera for the most perfect of Midsummer Eve's this year.  I do however have a new montage of sweet moments etched upon my memory.  Midsummer Eve was all of the above.  We camped in our friends garden in a village outside of town us and a lovely bunch we know, all with kids.  We walked down through fields past a  countryside marina to the river and caught an incredible sunset and tipped our hats to the poignancy of the evening.  We collected branches from a twisted willow tree to make crowns for the children and they busied themselves with outdoorsy craft projects.  They stayed up and we made up stories by the fireside.  It was like a mini festival.  No child misbehaved, no mama spoke cross words.  And considering my original plan had been to drive down to Stonehenge after work with the kids last night - because I promised them we would - this was a serendipitous change of plan, totally what we needed, soul food and a bonding opportunity for me and the kids - me in my element - the outdoors where I can relax and flourish and find my natural rhythm.

Happy Summer Solstice little ones, I hope you remember this for a long time


Moving on up

The countdown is on.  Move date is 1st August.  Exactly five years to the day that I moved in here with Cliff and the kids just three weeks after Gaia was born.  Sigh.  Will all my preparation and research come together as I need it to now?  This is a massive leap of faith and I do feel like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, it is slightly exciting and entirely terrifying all at the same time.  A risk it is necessary to take.
The children seem excited, I spoke with them subtly the other night and I didn't get any negative feelings or feedback from them, perhaps they do not fully understand the changes coming or perhaps it is as everyone else says and that they are much more robust and adaptable than us grown ups give them credit for or are indeed ourselves.
I have spoken openly about the move in their presence over the last few of months so it has become a normal concept and topic of conversation.  Sometimes I have wondered if this is the 'right' way to go about things, I haven't planned 'THE conversation' or bought books and found frilly words and ways to avoid speaking plain truths.  Mostly I am pleased that in this instance my instincts seem to have served me well, even if their efforts in other areas of my life have been sketchy!
I'm riding the waves, a plethora of emotions are visiting me now it's all actually happening, an inevitable process to go through and in truth I don't know how I feel although I have not observed any indication that this is the wrong thing to do.
Faith be the alchemist and trust in the process.  I'm working on self belief, it's taken a hit recently but I think deep down there is enough.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

now is the time to share

I can't restrain myself from sharing some of my poems any longer.  I didn't want this writers nook to become a self indulgent place but it's my place and it's my time ...
Raise your energy up
rise up, right up
stand up and shine it out
like the star you know you are.
don't resist that rhythm
don't resist that bass line
don't resist the poem
don't resist the rhyme
dance it up
your energy love
smile it outward love
radiate, assimilate, feel the energy reverberate
don't resite that rhythm
don't resist that bass
never give up dancing
until there's a smile upon your face
relax into it
take it for a subtle stroll
sit back some and get to know it
learn the art of energy sensitivity and control
don't resist the empowerment
don't get lost inside your head
and when your own words fail you
belt out the ones others said.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Full Moon Fire

Have you ever seen anything cuter than these toes warming by the fire?!  Or those honey coloured curls and her cheeky face?



This Full Moon has brought with it some wholesome thought provoking insights.  I am learning so damn much about myself.   I want to raise my children based on the very best version of life I can imagine, so I need to be the very best version of me.  I want the right conditions to grow and flourish and maximise my own potential, let the woman who has been waiting in the wings all tis time step out finally. 

Thursday, 12 June 2014


Beach combing is one of my very favourite things.  In scrambling to write in the moment as quickly as the thoughts come I leave myself to then pick through it all after the tide has receded  to find the gems, the treasure, the things I will take home, clean up and keep.  From in amongst the driftwood and jumble of words I sort, find order and meaning and clean them somewhat into arrangements of acknowledgement.

I combed through my file of poetry on my computer last night and 46 written in 7 months is a fairly accurate reflection on this part of the journey for me.  Intense, doesn't cover it.  And those are just the ones I didn't delete and disregard or gag at on re-reading!  I could practically publish a book if any of them were of any interest to anyone else!  I have played with proojecting words recently, played with speaking them and shouting them at the universe, just to stand up and be counted.  I've toyed with the idea of speaking them to people, real people - but that is still a work in progress, watch this space.
I hit a major low a little while ago.  Until that point I thought I was handling everything in this separation with resilience and tenacity.  But cracks started showing, my walls closed in on me until some voice from deep within shouted 'ENOUGH of this already! wake the fuck up! GET the fuck up girlfriend!  In fact it wasn't a voice deep down at all - it was right in my face.  I had a phase of insomnia and sleep paralysis which ended one morning with an unnerving vision of this massive old black crow screaming and screeching like a wraith or wild banshee in my face, the urgency and message were unmistakable, critical.  WAKE.THE.FUCK.UP! 

At the same time my brother came to see me one afternoon.  He brought peace with him.  We drank tea.  He expressed concern.  All in his soothingly equanimous way and it spoke to something subtly within me,  defibrillating my flat lining soul.  Where I had stopped eating, stopped sleeping, started to drink too much and unwittingly let destructive thought processes start eating away - my gumption, self worth and respect got a reboot.  My siblings are amazing.  They are genuinely my best friends.
Every day there are tests and curve balls.  The weight of all the logistical sortings I have and still have to undertake press tears to the corner of my eyes - they sometimes breach and drag streaks of un-freakin-waterproof vegan mascara down my cheeks.  Soluble scars that say 'I'm trying, I'm trying real fucking hard'.  I need my tank topping up because the gods know I'm running on vapours.  Adrenalin is keeping me going and always at the back of my mind the knowledge that I cannot take my foot off the gas for a single moment, not until I am moved in to my own home and all my affairs are in order.  I AM closer than ever now.  Those tears that threaten to breach, well I let them a little - just a couple as a tip of the hat to all the raw effort I've put into what I have achieved thus far but not wishing to wallow or attract any negative energy I stop and hear the voice of my councellor 'and what are you going to do about it' ... it ... the challenge, the challenges.  Well what else is there to do ... I'm going to rise to them and above them and send that energy right back out there to the universe, transformed into 'can do' in a heart burst.  Feeling the alchemy inside each time.

And that is where I am at.  Sadly distracted from my beautiful children but this is all groundwork for a happy life ahead.  I hope I can set a good example to them.  Of changing shit you no longer need, that no longer serves that putting up for a peaceful 'easy' life don't cut the mustard baby!  Hopefully they will see this one day.  They are at the forfrount of my mind in all of this, how could the not be.  Each day they bring me copper coins they find to 'put towards the new house' BE.STILL.MY.HEART.

Always with so much love X