Saturday, 31 May 2014

Little Birthday Lady

Gaia turned five!  With her long feral curls that start dreading up every day if I don't brush them - this in itself is like going to war.  And her sweet nature - always making bug houses, re-homing lady birds and woodlice, always picking me flowers and drawing me pictures, making me things and begging to bake.  She wanted to make pizza's on her birthday so we did, from scratch.  Such a joy to have spent all week cooking real food again although the birthday cake was an epic fail!  Fancy leaving the eggs out of the mix, I actually threw the tin out so welded to it was the mixture.
Her birthday always falls in the half term which is a blessing but I feel like I've failed them both this year and not been the all singing all dancing birthdaytastic mama bear I have been every year previously.  Our holiday rhythm I love so well never really got going - Cliff was off work ill and Zander wasn't 100% either, so mostly the TV or the playstation vied for their attention.  The weather sucked so we didn't get to the botanic gardens and I barely had enough money for gifts.  We couldn't have friends round on account of illness and my attention has been distracted intermittently by house hunting, viewings and applications, procrastination and pondering how the future is going to work.   I just feel like a proper lame ass mama. 
It is all too easy to feel like I'm being selfish with all this house hunting life changing focus.  Every decision I make still has to take the imps into account yet if I do not put my foot firmly down and put my own happiness first we ain't never gonna rock this show the way I know we can.  I concluded long ago there is no such thing as a good time for all this so we're just going to have to roll with it and breath free and easy once it is done.
So Rose, where's the positive spin on this then?  What are you going to do about this?  Well we still have one day of the holidays left!  One whole day, and the weather is looking good!  So we'll have a picnic somewhere, just the three of us, like the old days, the golden days, the glorious pre-school days.  We will have a fire in the garden, she's been asking for one of those for ages and we have stocked up on fire wood recently too.  And why not make a fuss of every day that follows, somehow in some sweet way ... minor ways but ways with great impact ... impromptu things, things they are not expecting ... that's more like it, think mama, think hard!
In the longer term I want them to have a summer party -  a belated birthday celebration if you like when we are moved and settled, to make up for my lameness.  I had this idea we could have a really cool blanket-fortress-sleep-over-house-warming party too, how much fun would that be?!
I wish they knew how much I loved them and how I'm trying so damn hard to do all this right by them - this separation, this moving homes - in spite of the resistance I'm coming up against in terms of letting agents and systems and shite like that.  I'm exploring every idea that crosses my mind and running with it in the mind set that I CAN make this work and work so damn well!  I'm putting as much positive thought and energy out there and behind this as I possibly can, so I may be distracted but only because I want the best for us, I want to do this properly. 
Something is bound to come up soon, real soon and then I can make it all up to them.
But little loves ... I love you always.
Mama Bear X X X

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