Monday, 12 May 2014

Birthday Bear

Well seven years ago I was in labour ... in my living room watching Cool Runnings with my sister , my birth partner, my friend wondering where the edge of my pain threshold would end.  She woke the next morning thinking she had flu from where I'd been squeezing her hands so tight in the chaos of the final push so to speak.
How time flies.  How he has grown.  It hardly seems possible.  The moment I met him was surreal, to feel his warm little body against mine I totally forgot that I had no idea weather he was a boy or a girl ... I had not wanted to find out but in that timeless moment it hadn't occurred to me to even ask, or look I just held him, not really sure what to do and that was all my soul needed.  I remember Fiona, there with me throughout repeating to me 'Rosemary you have a little boy, you have a son' a son ... a son! I tried rolling it off my tongue and I remember calling up to Cliff who had been pacing the landing away from the fray ... 'it's a boy it's a boy!'  The next hours were a blur but I remember Fiona cradling him in a towel and taking him upstairs so that she and Cliff could dress him and show him around his home.  Though over the years we'd grown closer as sisters anyhow that moment sealed the deal.  She saw me at my most primal, I was inexperienced and unknowing of what to expect, somewhat terrified, she was my light through it and I was able to completely ignore the militant midwife panicking me from the sidelines.  Fiona's was the only voice I heard, tunnel vision - hearing.  I had to go into hospital and Fiona stayed all night in my house setting things straight and cleaning up.  She woke at 5 am passed out on my sofa next to a cold cup of tea she hadn't the energy to drink.  I don't know how she did it, I couldn't ask for anything more in a sister.  Nor in a son.  Yes, he drives me bonkers on a daily basis but my heart melts every time I look into his forest green eye.
He has a lot to deal with right now, as do we all with the turn of events this year and I feel like I am a poor half assed excuse for a mama to him right now.  Working full time leaves no time for the days of elaborate birthday preparations I used to go in for but I am doing my best with what time and resources I have.  I've pulled the late chaos shift tonight - the 3 trays of cup cakes, balloons, bunting, wrapping shift and have given up before even attempting the big birthday breakfast cake I planned, instead resigning myself to the fact that this year I will have to buy something ready made and no doubt full of awful additives I'd normally kick to the curb.  No longer are clean floors and immaculate living spaces, home made candles and carefully composed poems my birthday priorities, instead just getting through the day having eaten and not passed out post midnight will do.
Motherhood teaches me so very much, sometimes the lessons are beautiful and sometimes they are not but each a chance to grow.  My thoughts are not as succinct as usual, but I feel, I feel with my heart and my soul a deep indescribable joy when I have Zander & Gaia tucked under each arm.  I must not loose sight of this, no matter what.

I have a son, a son, a SON! ... Zander River ... happy birthday special little one.

Always, Mama X X X

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