Friday, 2 May 2014


Have you ever stood in the April wood and called the new year in?
While the phantoms of three thousand years fly as the dead leaves spin?
There's a snap in the grass behind your feet and a tap upon your shoulder.
And the thin wind crawls along your neck it's just the old gods getting older.
And the kestral drops like a fall of shot and the red cloud hanging high
come a Beltane.  Ian Anderson, Jethro Tull.
May 1st ... however did we get here?  Where did nigh-un half the year go?!  Beltane, age old festival of summer and life, how do we mark these days?  with fire of course and the kids know this.  Despite the English weather misbehaving the imps and I drove out to one of the villages nearby last night once I was home from work to join friends round a fire.  What better way to spend an evening than warm and mesmerised by licking flames in the countryside whilst the children dig in the dirt to their hearts content, make fire antlers and chase chickens?!  These, the little things are the stuff of life, the anchors that hold a ship fast. 
I could pretend that everything is rosy, a calm sea but that wouldn't be authentic.  Many times I have tried writing what I mean to say here and every time I hit delete.  So now I lay it bare as it would be daft to ignore this phase of the childrens lives.  Home dynamics are up the spout, since I and their father separated.  There are a great many challenges to get through before one discombobulated home becomes two happy ones and being understanding of the changes manifesting in irrational imp behaviour whilst not taking un-necessary shit from them is much easier said than done.  I seem to be compensating for what they must be going through by turning a blind eye to things I would not have previously.  Sometimes this works to my advantage I just let them get on with it, most of the time though I feel like a small creature standing in a very big storm with no shelter in sight!

Choosing to let them lead on the subject is the only way I know, I don't want to fill their heads with un-necessary shit they don't need to know but I think they need a little more from me now.  I won't even go into the way they found out originally as it broke my heart but more recently I chose to speak with them in the woods, familiar neutral space and at that point decided it wasn't worth pushing the issue because Zander seemed to get so cross.  He then said what every parent dreads hearing 'Mummy it's all our fault isn't it'.  Holy crap, I never imagined my imps would take it that way and through starting to talk shit out at Relate I am beginning to see I need not compensate in the boundaries I do or don't set, but by gushing with reassurance of our enduring love for them and relieving any pressure of torn loyalties by stoically taking the hit myself when they'd rather hang out in their dad's room playing play station and watching TV all day.  My moments with them come round fires, amongst trees, by streams and in those places they forget entirely the other things that vie for their attention in the house.  They shed their cares as I do in those places.  I suppose in that respect we'll carry on as we always have, they know I offer a different experience of life to their father and they openly acknowledge and appreciate the differences.
But it's hard, there is much to be done.  I had a vision out of the blue that I was standing in front of a looming mountain thinking 'ah fuck! that's the bastard I've got to climb' and as if by some cruel twist of fate my synchronicity and timing seems to be all out of whack with the universe and the good shit, the opportunities it seems to be sending.  So I thought about the last mountain I climbed, Putukusi in Peru.  I remembered not only was the view and feeling euphorically breath taking at the top, the climb though exhausting was exhilarating and life affirming.  So I hold this in mind, not always at the front of my mind but there none the less.  I'm counting on a feeling of freedom and satisfaction once I reach the top of this metaphorical mountain!

The next old anchor ahead is Midsummer and I've promised to take the kids to Stonehenge.  They packed their bags ready for this adventure at Imbolc - 2nd Feb and they have been calling the summer out ever since!

Soon come.

Always X

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