I am beginning to feel my own absence, beginning to miss this space. I am missing several things lately. But. When the words don't come in an interesting or passionate manner it is unthinkable to force them out for the sake of regularity.
I love this picture because we all let our silly sides rock and my silly side doesn't rock half as often as it should. 'Wouldn't it be great' I muse 'if this year could be my silliest yet' ...
There has been some intensely uncomfortable stuff going on in our sphere of late and any fragments of connectedness got all shook up and scattered for miles by one of life's hurricanes, so I'm picking through the aftermath gathering them in, trying to work out where each more-weathered-than-before piece fits back into the puzzle that sort of resembles me.
I cursed the outrageous timing of it all at the weekend, throwing my hands to the sky as if it might suddenly rain answers or something. But, as my wise and lovely brother remarked perhaps the new job I was about to start on Monday would be a welcome distraction rather than an impossible mountain to climb. How could I have doubted him. And with this new job comes a strict routine. Bearing in mind I have been working shifts and bringing up babies that don't sleep these last six years this is exactly what I need. I have almost been salivating at the thought, hungry for this structure. I get up and make breakfast for us, I take the kids to school (well breakfast club where they eat second breakfast - that most important of meals!) I go to work, I come home, then I cuddle and cherish and love my bairns with all my damn heart until we all might burst! And then after they are in bed ... I can just hang out! And I don't have to be in bed by 10pm myself anymore because get this - I can sleep every single night! In that respect I feel incredibly ... normal, once more.
That isn't to say it doesn't sting and smart slightly - the fact that I only have an hour and a half with the kids in the evening. But it is quality time. And I get to enthusiastically ask them what they did during the day, show my genuine interest - prioritise TIME WITH them rather than being incessantly distracted by the hundred and one things that I imagine if I don't do - will bring the end of the world or something fantastically dramatic like that.
I feel an ease of breathing looking back through these pictures which we took on the first beautiful day the new year gifted to us ... that was January 2nd. We were in the Woods by 9am out of sheer necessity gasping for breathe as we fled the coop of home at long last after self imposed Christmas hibernation. Always the Woods. And not wanting to waste the preciousness of a fine day I drove us straight 'out of town' as Gaia calls it, over to my Mama's where we frolicked some more till the sun went down at Spring Close.
As the sun set for only the second time of 2014 it seemed briefly to pause and leave a lemon shaped portal in the sky. What great magic.
I never meant to write this post. I just wanted to convey my feelings of absence. A most happy accident indeed.
With love and other fancy stuff X