... they change all the time, by the day ... hell by the hour at the moment. One minute things are lollipops and rainbows the next minute I'm on the verge of screaming banshee mama because for the uptininth time something or someone has happened or done something or not listened to me AGAIN ad infinitum! It feels like groundhog day each and every day. And though I love my kids so very very much and have all these wonderful ideals and ideas about how to raise them often I feel like I am floundering, helpless, hopeless, like a proper shitty ass mama. The trouble is you see, from the outset, long before they were even conceived, I signed myself up to raise free spirits and as authentic to my true nature as this is - when I stop and realise there are now two extra people in the house - maybe smaller than I, but who are now just as stubborn, passionate, creative and free and strong willed as me I think it is no wonder I am emotionally exhausted by it all before 9 o'clock each morning!
I was at work this evening, responding to and caring for adults with hight complex needs - not in control of themselves, much like children I guess but in different ways and for different reasons. Non the less things happen, accidents happen, lots of wailing and moaning, non verbal screaming and bashing things about, ignoring what they are asked and told, basic needs to be met and I deal with it all and do it all with unlimited patience a smile and a kind word. I thought to myself tonight how this is just not fair. Not fair that I find it easier to cope with a house full of grown ups with complex needs just as capable of chaos than I do my own articulate offspring who I grew and birthed and continue nurture. Forget the fact I am being paid to do that job, that at the end of the day I can 'give them back', that it is only a few days a week - when you strip it down it just shouldn't be! I LOVE my children like no one else on the planet so why can't I go through the day with the same aplomb and patience, methodology and compassion as I do at work? Is it noble to think I could or should or is it just a pointless comparison? It is food for thought and inspiration if nothing else.
And then as I was cycling home I thought of all the heartbreaking mornings I begrudgingly dropped my sweet boy off at nursery at the tender age of nearly three because I had a normal day job back then. I remember acutely how he stood alone, face down cast, sucking his fingers, chin wobbling, tears starting to flow, silent, alone, ignored by staff, most likely heart broken himself, possibly scared and sad ... oh it was horrible. Then I think of how angry and frustrated I've been at him today and I berate myself, rebuke myself and kick myself madly. God damn it Rose I shriek within ... remember all this next time you are about to launch into a tirade or send him to his room. Would it make any difference? Do I ever remember any of that in the throws of frustration? Is it possible?
I know I'm not the only one who struggles, I know this isn't an easy gig for anyone so I am at least human but I just expect of myself that I should be able to do it all so much better. Each day is a chance to be a better person than we were the day before and this is really the only thing that keeps me sane. This and their unconditional love.
I just wanted to write these thoughts down for authenticity's sake, for perspective before I slept, forgot about them, woke up thinking I am super mum again and that today WILL be the day that everything changes and is all lollipops and rainbows for real - as I do most mornings for a split second before the chaos starts. Bringing a light heart to a situation never hurt anyone either so here is me doing just that.
Off to meditate
...then to attack the library and the blackberry and elderberry bushes.
And look what I found when I got home last night ...
Love & light X