Friday, 31 May 2013

Reminiscing, Reflecting, Resolving

Gaia turned 4.  My baby.  As a little ritual I dug out the video of my labour to her birth as I like to try and do each year.  To relive it again brought me so much joy.  It made me reflect on the Woman I was then and the Woman I am now.  Of how I've changed as a Mama.  Of the experience I shared with Fiona my sister as my birth partner and with myself as I journeyed with ancient wisdoms.

I reflected on how happy I was and of course with a baby's arrival imminent and months of yoga, meditation and hypno-birthing practise behind me perhaps it isn't a wonder I was blissed out and easy going, funny and radiant.  That aside I feel very distant from that woman, less wise, I have more furrows on my brow than she, my tone of voice is different from hers, I like her better.  I extended my reminiscing to videos of Zander and I before I was even pregnant again, I watched videos of him and his new sister days old and it felt good to be reminded of the boy who didn't even know how to answer back or stomp up the stairs in a huff.  Again, the mother I heard behind the camera was sweet and patient and had a way with words aimed at little ones.  Now I just feel like a sergeant major giving out instructions and ultimatums and sounding stressed and stern.

In the morning I showed the videos to the kids, not the birth ones, the ones of them as smaller imps.  And it hit home with them too I think.  Things were different, things were more harmonious.  Zander especially who spent the day saying he wished he could be a baby again.  Watching them together seemed to change all our attitudes yesterday, the day was so very calm and happy.  I found a sweeter tone of voice and spoke to them more as small children once more, cracked more jokes and focused my attention on them as if they were small and unable to play by themselves.  Maybe this isn't necessary all day every day as it was back then but I think I need to get back in touch with that Mama more often.  I have to keep perspective and remember how torturous sleepless nights were, that it wasn't always lollipops and rainbows, that things are always drenched in blissful sepia as we look back at all that was good, that we do have some moments joy  in the now.  Perhaps it is that I am just better at mama'ing very small children but if that is the case I have to work studiously at bringing those qualities I saw into my mama'ing of middle size children and all stages beyond.  The relieving thing is that it helped me remember I've not always felt so unconnected, I've not always been locked in a battle of wills and really my children are still very small and their souls are as sensitive as they were back then.  

I talk to Cliff about age appropriate toys and how today's society has pushed the boundaries of what is perceived as appropriate but I am thinking today in terms of age appropriate parenting ... has today's society also affected how I treat my children ... am I treating them more as small adults, are my expectations of them becoming that unrealistic causing unnecessary friction?  Perhaps.  These  musings fill me with a desire to get back to toddler mama, for their sakes and mine - it was more fun, more gentle, I was more in touch with my inner child, my playful center.  So as I gave myself over to my birthing-body to let Gaia journey Earthside 4 years ago, so too I think I should give my stressed out soul back over to my kind-mama-spirit and let her take over the running of this ship once more.

Unfoldment is a big theme for me of late cropping up in symbols, cards and discussions.  A theme that doesn't promise an easy ride, one that acknowledges the challenges all the road along - the sludge of life we have to get through sometimes but  always with a vision forward.  Soul searching, strong and indestructible resolve like ivy that refuses to die back.  Journeying through a labyrinth walking closer in towards my center then following the path outward and touching influences from without, ebbing and flowing.  This is me, rocking and rolling on the tides of my life as a woman and as a mama.  I am trying.

Blessings, counting mine x x x

Monday, 27 May 2013

Finding happiness

There has been  a proper dingy funk hanging like a thick mist around me for some days and it's confusing.  I haven't felt like this for a long time.

But as if timed to perfection a talk on Buddhism I went to after meditation on thursday night brought sound preemptive advice; a reminder of how to sit with the funk, how to open and rise through it like a lotus growing through the mud, how to come down into the body and be present and leave the procrastinatory preoccupations of the mind behind.  I am glad things happen in sequence like this, the universe has looked after me by preparing me in it's own way.  Over the last few days I felt my grip on things slipping slowly through my hands, I have wept at how unconnected I've felt to my children and hidden in bed away from what I feel I'm failing it and what hasn't worked out.  I felt joy leave and an unwanted emptiness sneak in and start to gather in its place.  Perhaps womanly hormones have played a part and the moon in her fullness too but a kick up the butt is sometimes needed whatever shape it comes in.

Today though I can feel the funk is lifting, I am choosing to find happiness - repeating this to myself like a mantra, finding gratitude in all experiences as lessons and trusting the process - trusting the universe has this all worked out if I will only align myself with Spirit's will.  I have consciously honoured moon-time: red jewellery, red clothes, red foods even red chili chocolate wrapped in a red wrapper.  I freshened up my personal sacred space, made a vision inspiration board, changed my diet switching to almost entirely raw food for over a week now and I've connected with nature.  Oh and the sunshine reappearing helps dramatically too.

This afternoon we found happiness in the meadows.  We are so damn lucky living in Cambridge with the amount of greenspace only minutes from most suburban areas.  The urgent shrieks of boat crews & their coaches tearing up and down the river and towpath, the many picnickers watching and sunning themselves; laughing and chattering, families strolling after big sunday lunches.  And there was us ...



beneath this beautiful Hawthorn sister they carved nooks to snooze in long long grasses ...


and made paths to magic hollows full of blossoms ...


emerging as faeries of summer itself ...


nature concludes happiness is yellow ....



Walking gently with love X

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Now he is six

.... my baby bear is growing up faster than I would like.  I've been a mama six whole years now - it is less a novelty and more, well, normal.  And it's hard, in different ways than in the beginning - gone are the extreme sleepless nights but now there are other challenges brought on by that massive hit of testosterone he's getting right now.  If I had known then what I know now I might have chilled the hell out, in hindsight the baby days seem easy and I know that as we move through life with them these days will also seem like the easy ones one day.  I like to reminisce the days when it was all new, a novelty, when i could hardly believe what i was cradling, feeding, changing, soothing and I cling to those memories a while and vow I should recall them more often.

This last week I have mostly been a one woman cake baking factory ... over 70 cup cakes baked this week for gatherings of family and friends and for the class at school, it's a good job I like baking!  On monday I found a really comfortable vibe in the behind the scenes mama'ing, with both kids at school and nursery and nothing else consuming my time I crunched through things in hearth and home, taking pleasure in my basic kitchen alchemy and of all things washing floors.  I've said it before and I'll say it again ... clean floors and soul vibrations are closely linked I tell you!

Zander was so excited, bouncing off walls and so keen to get to bed on birthday eve so morning came quicker.  I remember that.  That exact same thought, then the excruciating wait for sleep to take me.  I also remember stirring too damn early and the equally excruciating wait till it was 'officially' morning .... and for me as a mama that is not before 6am though the kids reckoned it was 3:45am that day!  Very self sufficiently they had drawn the curtains as if to confirm mornings arrival and were playing happily when I dragged myself in and through squinting eyes demanded a couple more hours sleep of them.  Somehow they obliged.

Precious moments from the day are glinting in my memory like gem encrusted earthy caverns receding into the distance, time passes too quickly.  Surprising him and his class an hour before home time with the cup cakes I baked; his face beaming and glowing, I heard his heart pound as my love was affirmed, a fierce hug and a kiss before I left.  The look on his little face when I gave him a quartz crystal point I bought for him whilst he was at school.  Here's the thing, he knows Cliff will always fulfil his deepest toy wishes but he is openly and genuinely delighted to receive the earthy, quirky things I give from my heart, not denying who I am to him, sharing and showing love in my unique ways.  This is becoming clearer about him, he loves our differences and I am in a luxurious position to be able to indulge them with Cliff always offering the alternative.  And that night when his candles were burning and we were singing, he reached out for me and pulled me close until our cheeks were touching and it was time to blow the candles out and make a wish.  Be still my heart.

We danced to the Kinks whilst Gaia trotted around on her unicorn and he offered that she open one of his presents so she didn't feel left out.  In a way I feel like I barely saw him on the day, but I know he's had a good time with his new toys, his class friends and with Cliff.  And it has always been my firm belief birthdays are seasons not just a single day.  He had a little gathering of friends - Pizza making and play; I still keep parties unstructured and child led, it's the only way and they love that.

We kick started things the Saturday before when I took the kids to the Wandlebury Green Man festival - a whole blissful day surrounded by nature loving, old-ways celebrating folk and families, in our favourite woodland!  There were crafts, heavy horses, storytelling, maypole dancing - I danced twice round with each of them and danced on after they grew distracted.  Zander said 'mummy I loved the pole-dancing'!  I made them crowns of ivy and beech, clematis and fir as they both made woodland swords.  Look, they look like characters from myths and legends...


As the afternoon drew on it became clear Zander was buzzing with a stormy energy and kept saying he wanted a rain shower.  We saw a storm moving in and when the sky opened they were both  ecstatic, literally dancing in ecstasy in the rain, mouths wide open as we tramped through the woods.  So in tune with nature, so sensing it, so needing it, so grateful and at one when it came.  This isn't the first time this has happened, he always knows when a storm is coming.

Always with love and light X

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Little Wonders

Subtle soul things going on, lots of nature, Lady Summer how welcome you are!

Look who I found all fluffy and fresh clinging to our garden fence.  Newly emerged, just drying those wings out then off she flew.

Then more from a faeries eye view, I discovered just how stunning the tendrils of a dandelion are up close...

Sunday of this glorious 3 day weekend was the day after the night before ~ yes Mama went out.  I was dog tired the next day and my imps delighted in my urge to do no more than sunbath in the garden.  We snuggled and goofed around a bit and I couldn't help but wonder why it is only on such occasions that I allow myself to truly detach from the monotonous hum drum of running a house and all that goes with it?  I didn't care for anything other than chilling out with my babies and nothing lured me back indoors, nothing at all ~  no thoughts of 'jeez I really should do that washing up or maybe as its such a nice day I should load the washing machine up' ... not even!  Just me the Earth the Sky and my babies.  I concluded it really is healthy for Mama to go out and mama should go out more often!

And yesterday we headed to our favourite spot round here, Wandlebury Woods. The kids were most excited about the bird hide, the Fallen Oak Staircase and the myriad 'space ships' created by root systems of uprooted trees.  Always my heart beats in unison with the hearts of the trees, this is home and I forget about the hum drum some more.

... the old oak staircase (sounds pleasingly like something out of Brambley Hedge!) and a fantastic bit of tree yoga I thought!

Zander enjoyed telling us snippets of things he learnt on a school trip here last month like the names of the highland bulls, he showed us the gravestone of a horse and where a family of rats have taken up residence!  I loved hearing him share the things he learnt that none of us had any idea about, he sounded proud of his knowledge, so grown up.  

But for me, starting with a little meditation letting my back melt into the trunk of a Beech sister behind me as the children played, it instinctively evolved into a flower walk ~ something I had forgotten I had been meaning to do as part of a course I am working through.  So many wildflowers scattered the ground whose meanings and symbolism I'm now looking into.  And I was so excited to see the first Elder flower buds of the year ... I'm thinking cordial already!

This week the notion of the law of attraction has presented itself to me from two different sources in as many days.  That is to say our future is shaped by our thoughts of today.  Our vibrations, our frequency - what we are giving out we attract back.  What we want or need we can make manifest in our lives, starting simply by putting it out there to the universe we set things in motion  It isn't news to me how visualisation, intention and positive thinking work but as with most things these notions get forgotten in the chaos of everyday life so I am grateful of these reminders appearing together almost certainly not by coincidence.  

So with happiness and love x x x

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Beltane Weary

This is what I like to see, mama's and littlies gathered together.  And 'though I was weary I was glad to be surrounded by them for Beltane ...

I have moved from a beautiful few months with healthy spaces between night shifts and an abundance of opportunity for inward focus and self improvement into an intense place of action where no time and little energy is my own.  I am feeling stretched in nearly every way.   I think this shift has to do with the moon and the planets but yesterday I started feeling quite overwhelmed, verging on teary which hasn't happened to me for a LONG time.

Today after (selflessly or stupidly I can't decide which) giving up my morning for something I knew my heart wasn't in just because I couldn't find it in me to say no to someone, I felt really despondent and lack lustre.  When Gaia and I came home, despite talk of princess movies, the warmth and radiance of the sun beckoned and we headed for the garden.  Soulhealing softly began when I lay down beside our faerie place, asked the Earth to hold and soothe me and saw the space from a new perspective ~ a faeries-eye view.  It was refreshing to think I might be in a jungle of grasses and dandelions then I rolled over and saw cloudbirds stretching across the sky.  Gaia was happy to host tea-parties for her teddies for a while and before too long our connected attentions turned to gardening.

...see, unmistakably birds.

The kids must be resonating with a good Beltane energy as they played so harmoniously whilst I caught up on sleep this morning before school.  And tonight they have delighted in painting each others faces whilst I cook, though it has taken some time to get it all off before bed!

Speaking with another mama yesterday has reaffirmed something I had been chewing on  ... I must try and visualise myself as five going on six, how do I see the world from that place?  How do I feel about my world and the people in it from there?  Just like seeing the world from a faeries perspective in order to connect with the Earth and my soul, so I must see the world through my five year old self's eyes to connect more with Zander.  I know these notions can be short lived, forgotten in the chaos of every day life so they feel less epiphanic but I must try.  I have spotted some slate hearts in hobby craft and I wondered if I had a few randomly placed round the house weather I might catch some of these ideas and hold them there a while reminding me within chaos to think more deeply.

And I need to climb trees, listen to the whispers in their leaves ... I feel a trip to the woods coming on this bank holiday weekend, mama needs to play.

love & light X