Thursday, 14 March 2013

emerging, pixie warrior

... loving this vivid description penned by my friend Megan when I was feeling wobbly about the whole thing, I can but aspire to fill the image out in time.

So they are gone.  Those knotted companions, those loves of twelve years are gone.  And how did it feel?  How does it feel now?

It seems my heart was more open than I knew.  Amongst a torrent of descriptives the word RELEASE was the first to project loudest.  A deep, rich yet incredibly light release in and from an unplanned moment.   It was of course all meant to be lovingly combed out at bob length but man these were seriously natty and matted, pretty much felted.  I mean seriously this hair had definitely wanted to dread!  If there has ever been any doubt as to weather European hair locks up as well as afro hair ... that myth is now dispelled! .... nothing not even an hour long soaking submerged in a hot bath could get them out.  No quantity of conditioner industrial enough.  No comb strong enough.  No finger nails long enough.  And all those dead shed hairs caught up in them - handfuls of the beggars coming out in my hands as I attempted to comb, it was actually quite depressing and highly frustrating.

So it was that the impulsive pixie inside me broke free last tuesday and fiercely insisted 'woman stop! to hell with this conditioning and combing, god damn it, what for!?' they had to go.  they just had to.  She became me and I her and we promptly grabbed the biggest pair of scissors we could find (I kid you not; huge dress making things they were!) and hacked, hacked each dread right off as if freedom itself depended upon it - from jaw length till only an inch of stub remained of each.   I damn nearly buzzed the lot off with Cliff's clippers!  And after it was done, we grinned at one another from our separate sides of the mirror I stared into as we saw me breathe ... exhale ... FREE!  That moment was awesome.  Surrendering control, surrendering to a great need, a need greater than I realised.
Until that precise moment I had no idea that it would happen that way that day, my dear friend the Universe always knew, sending signs in that little way it does ...

Now I thought it was a simple and definitive reaffirmation to trust implicitly in the process, that the process was gradually taking form in the physical realm, that everything was unfolding just as it should.  A reminder to trust.  It's significant also as one of the cards I pulled when I first sought insight into all of this.  Staring and breathing into the mirror post-hacking it was suddenly obvious  today was always going to be the day.  Trusting in this process was so similar to the trust hypnobirthing nurtured in me whilst awaiting Gaia's arrival ... almost unconditional to a point where worries don't even skim the surface in the end.  Perfect trust.  And I am glad of it, it really enabled me to let go which of course was one of the ideas of all this in the first place.

Because I've been tuning in other guides have come to me to offer their strength, inspirations and insights in this period between moons;  Amber, Moonstone, Falcon.  There are signs all around if we can only consciously open our eyes to them and interact with them.  This is part of my workings, to grow all these intuitions.  A growing awareness is like noticing a stronger kind of energy and it's sister synergy rippling around, a greater amplification allowing me to see more, to feel more, to be more.

I awoke the first morning post-hacking curled up, feeling almost foetal, naked with the lack of thick locks.  I don't think it is presumptive to have felt an element of rebirth, renewed if nothing else - with no history and baggage literally hanging around weighing me down from the moment I rise.  I said hello again androgyny catching sight of myself that morning in the mirror, wondering how I felt about that and yet my kids told me I am still the most beautiful mummy even without my dreads.  That is a song of love to my heart my little ones!  Their acceptance alone is important to me.

I am un-locked ... literally, free to love casually fluffling and ruffling it about and if those aren't real words they should be!  It is as if my hair is made of feathers, i feel free like a bird, deliciously light.  It is so refreshing feeling air move between each fine hair grazing my scalp.  I don't remember if my hair was this feathery before or not?  I feel like I have shed 12 years ... not just of hair, age too.  I feel younger.  I have been told I look younger, that my face has softened.

Despite my reservations at the outset, right now I am completely ok with it all.  Other dread shedders have said they experienced a period of mourning afterwards but the way I have done it - shedding  gradually over a couple of weeks has saved me any such mourning.  I have surprised myself I really haven't poured out many tears.  I thought I would be incredibly emotional but once all trace of dread was gone from my head I barely thought about them.  It was time.  I was enormously attached to them but that final impulsive action and ever since has been nothing but a stronger sense of connection within myself and life.  I still have them - I weighed them ...  a whole pound of hair.  I wanted to burn them at Ostara next week but the smell could be horrendous so I think they will go on the compost heap ... and maybe I'll save one for the fire, symbolic like!

As for weather my dreads were who I was I say only this:  they are part of my experience always, always within I will be a wild dredi sister.  But you see me now ... and if you don't you are not looking.  I love that some people have not noticed, not at first, not until the next day or the day after that even they realised what exactly is different about me ... it proves I am still me.  Actually I feel more me now that they are gone.  Curious.

If dawn is breaking on me, and it does feel like I have set a deeper awakening in motion, then this is only the beginning of an infinitely long day.  I feel that vigilance and guarding against complacency are important things to consider to keep moving forwards.  But you know what ... I am prepared ... as my guides have said, I have insight and wisdom from the last many years to draw on, I can now start to purposefully apply what I have learnt so far and simultaneously forage, gather and hunt down new wisdoms for the path ahead.  I feel a great responsibility and commitment to maintain this self improvement.  No half arsed efforts and wimping out this time.  Staying true to the woman I know I can be, was born to be, the woman waiting in the wings.

So here we are ... emerging pixie warrior...




still wild and fierce within and without ... I love it!  It's retro, it's playful and mischievous, it's unequivocally pixie, it's unique.  It was so important to me and completely right that it be Tefa who styled it.  We were singing from exactly the same sheet of ideas but it was fun to look through the hair books she brought round as inspiration anyway.  And she worked organically with my hair leaving curls and wisps that wanted to be there, letting it fall where it wanted and letting it lead changing course depending on how it behaved as she cut and razored.  I didn't know how it was shaping up, I had no mirror, I loved the suspense, I loved the trust, I loved seeing her love the creative process and her excitement at her work of art as the end  result emerged.  We felt an affirmation  of our friendship, so long and blessed - she was the last person to cut it 12 or 13 years ago, its been a long cycle and lucky am I to be walking into the next with her closer than ever.

So you see me and my soul.  I need to walk away from this post now which has been brewing a week but finish with a list of music I've been transforming to for sentimentality's sake so I can look back when I'm an old lady, dig them out my collection replay and re-imagine.

Lowb: Leap And The Net Will Appear
This Is The Kit: Krulle Bol & Wriggle out the restless
Eryka Badu: Baduism
Rising Appalachia - Scale Down & Filthy Dirty South
Lamb - 5 (particularly butterfly effect)
Lou Rhodes - Beloved One
Orange Grove Siesta 
Ojos De Brujos - Techari

Love love love X


  1. Love this. I didn't scroll down to see if you had posted a picture, so I read your amazing words first. You are definitely emerging, beautiful one xxx

    1. tis a great thing but a great responsibility too. LOVE X

  2. Sigh. Lovely.
    I'm at a 'maybe. ?.' stage.
    I'm so glad your heart is happy!

    1. you will know when the time is right x