Sunday, 31 March 2013

Still thinking like a girl

Cliff berates me ... yes, well I am a girl, I have only experienced life through a girls eyes.  How, pray tell, do I start thinking like a boy?  For all the reading I have done I still cannot work out how to live in better harmony with Zander ... or Cliff for that matter.  It is quite simple ~ Zander behaves when my focus is entirely on him or both him and Gaia.  I understand this but there is more to be done in a day, a woman's work is never done.  When I turn my attention to the household things which are simply unavoidable, or the important but arduously dull paperwork that I can't put off any longer, he goes into monkey business overdrive.  It is very noisy, very silly,  it is messy and sometimes it is destructive and dangerous.  And I get cross and I shout and then I feel like a shitty ass mama, again.

I have been thinking partly my expectations of a 5/6 year old boy are all wrong, because I'm thinking like a grown up and a girl.  And partly I forget the things I have learnt I should consider.  Honestly, though I need to regain some control of my imp, I'm really not wanting to place too many restrictions on childhood urges for mischief, I don't want children who are seen and not heard, though I admit a mute button some days would be a blessing!  My friend Lisa who has three kids - two who are twins wears ear plugs - her squidgy mood improver's she calls them ... one ear plug and a massive slice of cake is her remedy!

Sometimes I have meditated with curiosity upstairs whilst the wild game continues down stairs - some days it provides a fantastic realisation of how it is actually possible to find peace in total chaos and other days it just eats at me even more.  Finding more equanimity would help, always, but I think if I could also develop more confidence in successfully reigning him in and reengaging him when things have gone too far there would be less meltdowns from both of us.  So I am  writing a go-to checklist of things to consider and try on days when the house feels like a badly run zoo!  It's a start anyway so here goes, in no particular order ....

Pick your battles! Is it worth it?

Is anyone or anything in danger/getting hurt/being damaged?
Am I just irritable/tired/got PMT?
Do they need fresh air?
Have I stopped to think about it with kid logic?
Have I stopped to try and think about it with boy logic?
Have I asked a reasonable number of times for it to stop? (like 2 or 3)
Have I explained the consequences if it doesn't stop?
Have the consequences been followed through?
Have I tried a timeout for him?
Have I tried a time out for me?
Have I tried asking him to write lines (seriously this method kicks ass! Not as archaic as it sounds ~ when a kid will not remember a valid reasonable point writing it down ten times helps it soak into his consciousness .... and it is fantastic handwriting practise I have found)
Art/craft distraction?
Have I tried cuddles?
Have I tried tickles?
Have I tried stories?
Have I written a list of positive things he has done today?

This is going on the fridge, we'll see if it helps or not. 

Happy sunday, love love love X X X

Friday, 29 March 2013

Tree Medicine : Beech

I chanced upon a bottle of Beech Bach Flower Remedy yesterday, one I had forgotten about.  The healing properties of Beech are channelled towards helping us see more beauty in all that is around us when there is a tendency to see only or mainly the negative.  It helps a person  develop tolerance, compassion, leniency and  understanding specifically in seeing that other individuals and things are working to their own perfection.  It helps us to work through being overly critical and with  learning to see the good growing within.  Yep, that all resonates one hundred percent.  No coincidence then that we crossed paths.  Lately I have been working hard at welcoming in and listening to my higher self more and with that I'm following my intuition more too, so I let my train of thought carry me on this one, naturally, to the Beech Woods which stand on a chalk rise just outside Cambridge.  I knew that would be where we were headed  this morning and the weather smiled kindly on my intentions.  So we did.

It was biting cold for mama not running around and clambering over fallen trees but I purposefully let the energy of nature permeate my being, stopping to connect with the massive roots of an uprooted Beech and delighting in the golden leaves that still cling defiantly to the younger trees.  Then other vivid colours jumped out at me from the ground where I had not noticed them before.  The markings of the ivy made me think of serpents for some reason.  Maybe lizards.


The kids found an ivy hollow and we built a den but we had a bit of trouble from less than compassionate dog walkers who somehow failed to recognise a child terrified by dogs.  I actually had to have stern words with a few of them after they continually let their dogs jump up at and chase an obviously panic stricken Zander.  It was really hard to get him to keep still and stand with me so the dogs didn't think it a merry game.


Earth provided medicine most of the day actually, we planted veggies outside after lunch but Gaia seems a little under the weather now so we've had a very chilled evening of lavender baths and stories read by Zander who can make his way through a whole proper book from home now ~ not those patronisingly repetitive ones from school which I have never insisted he read at home.  I have always let him lead and when he started to show an interest in reading at home I embraced it.  No rush, just when it felt right for him.  I stand by my principle of letting the children lead.  Tonight he read Giraffes Can't Dance and this week he has also read Biscuit Bear and Aliens Love Underpants Save The World.  Very proud mama.

Today has been a good day, thanks maybe to Beech, so I have a grateful heart.

love love love X X X

Thursday, 28 March 2013

All in one day...

... there are blissful highs and equal lows.  Things can be bubbling along just fine and then fun goes too far, buttons get pushed, patience is lost, no one will listen, intentions get side lined and it feels like I will never be able to turn this gig around, I mean not just today ... ever.  Cliff is dong bedtime tonight, not a bad thing in itself but I'd rather the kids did not think I was their adversary.

What I have been good at this week is den building.  Love a good den, the kids love a good den ... eat lunch, colour, watch a movie, squish mummy in with you ... then when you're asleep little ones mummy squishes in with a cuppa and her own book.  Hoping for a good weekend.  Visualising a good weekend.  Working on manifesting a good weekend.  All but one since December have been bitter struggles.

That's a life in the day of us today x

Monday, 25 March 2013

For the love of Art

Sometimes I want to swoon all over descriptive metaphors and some times stripping back brings as much pleasure.  Stripping back today and making a list of weekend happies and wholesomes - the big little things that make my heart sing like

cafe date just the boy and me.  Long over due, the most handsome date I ever had.  We have barely spent any time alone just the two of us since Gaia joined our family nearly four years ago and I know he has suffered because of it.  We will deffinitly be doing this way more often.

happy gratitude for arty inspired children ... oil pastels have brought something out in them that other medium haven't ... maybe they have their mamas love for them - we have a veritable gallery in our house now ...

baked avocado stuffed with Stilton ... DUDE!  Avocado and anything, stilton and anything basically!

dancing round the house to Craig Charles' funk & soul show with the kids on saturday night.  Really digging the dance offs we are having right now.

shaking the energy up in our home ... move over stagnant lake hello effervescent waterfall of energy ... I am learning to do it when the moment takes me, you never know when it will again ... even if it means diverting my focus from the kids for a bit, they love the change too 'it's like we moved house' they said.

homemade vegan ice cream - this weekends hits have been banana & kiwi and banana & mango ... too good, too easy.

bedtime stories now taking place in my newly re-arranged vibesome bedroom ... snug as bugs!

returning light in a friend shrouded in darkness so long.

love love love X X X

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Ostara & One week post-dreads

A week since I got rid of the last trace of matted hair and emerged pixie warrior in training .... honestly?  I am not missing them, not a scrap.  Cutting them off when I did was the best thing I ever did.  Seriously this style is so low maintenance, more so than I ever hoped for.  All it takes is a quick ruffle with damp hands after getting out of bed, pixie bed hair totally rocks it turns out!  And the longer it is left unwashed the better it looks with all those fabulous natural oils working again.  I've kept the 'no-poo' pledge and am still only using this natural store cupboard recipe and henna for an extra treat.  And these hand lotion bars double superbly as hair wax. Being razored it so full of texture and the quirky curls just get quirkier and curlier the more it settles in and it seems like it has grown loads already since it's hard pruning!  The world around me has reacted with love sweet love.  I have relished everyone who has noticed and everyone who has not.  Acceptance and indifference as important as one another.

The biggest thing in all of this is the responsibility I feel for the intentions I first conceived and held as I started this process and continue to loyally serve.  I purposefully consider them each evening at the very least, work towards them and review them where necessary.  On a daily basis self improvement isn't easy to maintain with two crazy ass kids running about, a house to run, dinners to cook and night shifts to work but trying to gain a broader perspective looking at it on a weekly basis then yes I am definitely maintaining a space in my head and my heart for it.  Had a bad day?  Tomorrow is a new one.  Listen.  Don't pass signs, guides and portents off as coincidence.  Consider, meditate, breathe, continue, practise.  Each moment, each guide is as precious as gold.  Hold it.  Connect.  And most of all I do not want this to be a honeymoon period that drops off a cliff in a month or so.

As well as being conscientious I'm taking time - took advice to take time, not to rush into or go searching for the next epic challenge too soon.  Enjoy the space between breaths, between cycles, post completion.  Relax.  Be satisfied.  Nurture - not just my children which would be the obvious message to read into that guidance, not a bad reminder but nurturing myself is paramount to forward motion for me as Rose and as a mama.  I am my only care giver, self-care giver.  Let my spirit be cradled in the bosom of yoga assanas and meditation sits, inspiring courses and books.  Let crystals find me.  Let me be open to and receive nourishment from the world around me - from nature, from the smiles of friends, my children with their unconditional love and forgiveness.  Keep it perpetual even if the most beneficial pace is a leisurely stroll right now.

I have made space in my physical surroundings, transformed a corner in my bedroom, hidden away the gregarious orange walls under sarongs and drapes of mute and gentle blues and greens.  I have my corner now full of trinkets and candles, flowers of the season and talismans I've combed off beaches, dug out of the mud in the woods, had brought to me by my children.  It is the first time I have ever made such a space for myself.  Carpeted, soft, a corner to sit, meditate, read, write, imbue, receive, be me.  I am so looking forward to its evolution, I see other configurations in its appearance but right now I'm working with what I have got top hand already.

A more live and let live feeling has alighted on my shoulder, or maybe it's that naughty pixie who had me staying out waaaaay late last Saturday.  I'll be home by 11 I said.  Well 11 came and went, as did midnight and 1 am.  I got back in at 2am.  Hiccoughing cheerfully and still clothed I flopped into bed happy and content.  Gotta be up at 6 am with the kids?  So what.  Gotta  work a night shift the coming night?  Who cares. Planning a restorative trip away by yourself even though the budget is tight?  Ah hell just do it!  

Ostara - Spring Equinox is a time to start acting on the dreams and inceptions we've incubated over the darker winter months especially this last with the new Luna year.  And I've dreamt and visualised a whole heap of them up.  It is a time to act in hearth and home and garden.  It is time to act for ourselves and our community but to check in with our own spirit to make sure we are nourished enough to act in the first place.  There is a tonne more veg to plant once the ground is drier for digging, better planning of that space is needed too this year to ensure a more constant and pro-longed supply and I want to properly research permaculture too, understand it anduse it to our benefit instead of just a term to excuse the over growth of weeds in my garden!
The house I am tackling room by room - where at first I thought furniture could not be moved and new configurations not found I am challenging that with the I can make this work attitude answering the call to get that stagnant energy moving and flowing again.

Spring is making a pretty poor show in this part of the country but the day and night were equal in length yesterday and in this I have faith, the wheel keeps turning.  We did our damnedest to awake her from her lazy winter sleep - loved wildly dancing to music snaking through the whole house shaking bells and beating tambourines.  I felt alive afterwards - heart pounding, breath fast, awake even if spring never heard us.  We feasted then Lucy & I chatted whilst the kids ran amok.  Zander sweetly set up a butterfly & chrysalis hunt and Gaia set up a baby chick hunt to keep them busy.  I kept Zander off school ditching the focus on gregorian dates completely this year and turning it wholeheartedly to our Celtic/Pagan/Earth based festival days.  In the past we've observed those other dates too as a sort of formality in line with the kids' peers/wider family and what school focus on but since last Winter Solstice I asked myself why?  I feel justified in taking time out to honour ours like this especially  now my kids awareness of what we do and do not revere is stronger.  Ask the kids what we believe in and they will tell you with pride and a smile Mother Earth.  So the Ostara bunny visited yesterday and Easter sunday will be just another sunday for us.


love love love X X X

Monday, 18 March 2013

wholesome is ...

their love for one another ...

sunday art sessions ...

this book ...

... which is such a relief to read so eloquently seeming to shout I hear you mama!  I see where you're at and where you've been with it's honest account of everything motherhood brings a woman - light and dark.  It is the book I wish I'd read before having babies the one that says yes it IS amazing and unlike anything else you'll ever do, it' is also going to push you to that ledge way beyond the edge ... BUT you are not alone mama' it soothes.

looking forward to Ostara on wednesday and having both kids at home for it.

what has been wholesome in your worlds this weekend?

love love love X

Thursday, 14 March 2013

emerging, pixie warrior

... loving this vivid description penned by my friend Megan when I was feeling wobbly about the whole thing, I can but aspire to fill the image out in time.

So they are gone.  Those knotted companions, those loves of twelve years are gone.  And how did it feel?  How does it feel now?

It seems my heart was more open than I knew.  Amongst a torrent of descriptives the word RELEASE was the first to project loudest.  A deep, rich yet incredibly light release in and from an unplanned moment.   It was of course all meant to be lovingly combed out at bob length but man these were seriously natty and matted, pretty much felted.  I mean seriously this hair had definitely wanted to dread!  If there has ever been any doubt as to weather European hair locks up as well as afro hair ... that myth is now dispelled! .... nothing not even an hour long soaking submerged in a hot bath could get them out.  No quantity of conditioner industrial enough.  No comb strong enough.  No finger nails long enough.  And all those dead shed hairs caught up in them - handfuls of the beggars coming out in my hands as I attempted to comb, it was actually quite depressing and highly frustrating.

So it was that the impulsive pixie inside me broke free last tuesday and fiercely insisted 'woman stop! to hell with this conditioning and combing, god damn it, what for!?' they had to go.  they just had to.  She became me and I her and we promptly grabbed the biggest pair of scissors we could find (I kid you not; huge dress making things they were!) and hacked, hacked each dread right off as if freedom itself depended upon it - from jaw length till only an inch of stub remained of each.   I damn nearly buzzed the lot off with Cliff's clippers!  And after it was done, we grinned at one another from our separate sides of the mirror I stared into as we saw me breathe ... exhale ... FREE!  That moment was awesome.  Surrendering control, surrendering to a great need, a need greater than I realised.
Until that precise moment I had no idea that it would happen that way that day, my dear friend the Universe always knew, sending signs in that little way it does ...

Now I thought it was a simple and definitive reaffirmation to trust implicitly in the process, that the process was gradually taking form in the physical realm, that everything was unfolding just as it should.  A reminder to trust.  It's significant also as one of the cards I pulled when I first sought insight into all of this.  Staring and breathing into the mirror post-hacking it was suddenly obvious  today was always going to be the day.  Trusting in this process was so similar to the trust hypnobirthing nurtured in me whilst awaiting Gaia's arrival ... almost unconditional to a point where worries don't even skim the surface in the end.  Perfect trust.  And I am glad of it, it really enabled me to let go which of course was one of the ideas of all this in the first place.

Because I've been tuning in other guides have come to me to offer their strength, inspirations and insights in this period between moons;  Amber, Moonstone, Falcon.  There are signs all around if we can only consciously open our eyes to them and interact with them.  This is part of my workings, to grow all these intuitions.  A growing awareness is like noticing a stronger kind of energy and it's sister synergy rippling around, a greater amplification allowing me to see more, to feel more, to be more.

I awoke the first morning post-hacking curled up, feeling almost foetal, naked with the lack of thick locks.  I don't think it is presumptive to have felt an element of rebirth, renewed if nothing else - with no history and baggage literally hanging around weighing me down from the moment I rise.  I said hello again androgyny catching sight of myself that morning in the mirror, wondering how I felt about that and yet my kids told me I am still the most beautiful mummy even without my dreads.  That is a song of love to my heart my little ones!  Their acceptance alone is important to me.

I am un-locked ... literally, free to love casually fluffling and ruffling it about and if those aren't real words they should be!  It is as if my hair is made of feathers, i feel free like a bird, deliciously light.  It is so refreshing feeling air move between each fine hair grazing my scalp.  I don't remember if my hair was this feathery before or not?  I feel like I have shed 12 years ... not just of hair, age too.  I feel younger.  I have been told I look younger, that my face has softened.

Despite my reservations at the outset, right now I am completely ok with it all.  Other dread shedders have said they experienced a period of mourning afterwards but the way I have done it - shedding  gradually over a couple of weeks has saved me any such mourning.  I have surprised myself I really haven't poured out many tears.  I thought I would be incredibly emotional but once all trace of dread was gone from my head I barely thought about them.  It was time.  I was enormously attached to them but that final impulsive action and ever since has been nothing but a stronger sense of connection within myself and life.  I still have them - I weighed them ...  a whole pound of hair.  I wanted to burn them at Ostara next week but the smell could be horrendous so I think they will go on the compost heap ... and maybe I'll save one for the fire, symbolic like!

As for weather my dreads were who I was I say only this:  they are part of my experience always, always within I will be a wild dredi sister.  But you see me now ... and if you don't you are not looking.  I love that some people have not noticed, not at first, not until the next day or the day after that even they realised what exactly is different about me ... it proves I am still me.  Actually I feel more me now that they are gone.  Curious.

If dawn is breaking on me, and it does feel like I have set a deeper awakening in motion, then this is only the beginning of an infinitely long day.  I feel that vigilance and guarding against complacency are important things to consider to keep moving forwards.  But you know what ... I am prepared ... as my guides have said, I have insight and wisdom from the last many years to draw on, I can now start to purposefully apply what I have learnt so far and simultaneously forage, gather and hunt down new wisdoms for the path ahead.  I feel a great responsibility and commitment to maintain this self improvement.  No half arsed efforts and wimping out this time.  Staying true to the woman I know I can be, was born to be, the woman waiting in the wings.

So here we are ... emerging pixie warrior...




still wild and fierce within and without ... I love it!  It's retro, it's playful and mischievous, it's unequivocally pixie, it's unique.  It was so important to me and completely right that it be Tefa who styled it.  We were singing from exactly the same sheet of ideas but it was fun to look through the hair books she brought round as inspiration anyway.  And she worked organically with my hair leaving curls and wisps that wanted to be there, letting it fall where it wanted and letting it lead changing course depending on how it behaved as she cut and razored.  I didn't know how it was shaping up, I had no mirror, I loved the suspense, I loved the trust, I loved seeing her love the creative process and her excitement at her work of art as the end  result emerged.  We felt an affirmation  of our friendship, so long and blessed - she was the last person to cut it 12 or 13 years ago, its been a long cycle and lucky am I to be walking into the next with her closer than ever.

So you see me and my soul.  I need to walk away from this post now which has been brewing a week but finish with a list of music I've been transforming to for sentimentality's sake so I can look back when I'm an old lady, dig them out my collection replay and re-imagine.

Lowb: Leap And The Net Will Appear
This Is The Kit: Krulle Bol & Wriggle out the restless
Eryka Badu: Baduism
Rising Appalachia - Scale Down & Filthy Dirty South
Lamb - 5 (particularly butterfly effect)
Lou Rhodes - Beloved One
Orange Grove Siesta 
Ojos De Brujos - Techari

Love love love X

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Today was a good day ...

why? well lets see ...

I made THIS totally natural store cupboard 'no-poo' shampoo & conditioner .... and I swear my hair has NEVER not ever in the whole history of me felt or smelled this good!  At this point, for the sake of remembering things in years to come I want to note that Gaia sat up in our bed the other morning to pronounce 'mama tentacles are bad for you'  sorry you what?  It took me a little while to decipher that one first time around ... 'tentacles are bad for you aren't they'  You see tentacles are chemicals!  We like it, it's stuck.  Tentacles are bad for you.  Fact.  In this tentacle free recipe it calls for 10 - 15 drops of essential oil, you could use any - I used mandarin because it was literally the only oil I have left being poor as a church mouse, but sweet mama I was glad.  Try it - love it!

Clearly invigorated and forgetting I'd just come off a night shift I turned Gaia's bottom bunk into more of a cosy den with sarongs and drapes - you can never have enough drapes.  Another fact!  Then .... a little change for the boys room ... I mused.  Just a little something small that will make it more cosy too (effort to be distributed equally between both kids less injustice should be felt!) ... but oh no, once I got in there the insane action mama part of my brain kicked into gear and thus commenced a complete 3 hour over-haul spring-clean move-around!  The room was stagnant, literally, the energy is SO much better in there now and he's hung out in there ever since we got in from school.


just as I finished that massive mission look what arrived in the post from a mama, Paula, who blogs here - by Lucy who blogs here

So glad I listened to the voice that told me to sack off playgroup and a walk in the woods.  Both would have been lovely but this has brought greater energy to our home.

Celebrating the goodness when it finds us ... what goodness found you today?

Love love love X

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Wholesome is ...

sharing art supplies with the little ones .... inspiring them ... connecting with the artists within ...


then eating oranges whilst listening to mamas favourite sounds.

what has been wholesome in your day today loves?
love  and sunshine X

Thursday, 7 March 2013

So long and thanks for all the fish!

Said Douglas Adams.

Says I - so long my dready babies ... thanks for the ride.

I am not at all sure how I want to pull together my feelings on the last few days liberation. It may be too soon.  And so I will keep it short and sweet ... like my new 'do' for now.  There is much to be said but much still to be done.

Amongst a torrent of descriptives the word RELEASE projects loudest.  Deep release in and from a moment of total spontaneity.  I have my impulsive inner pixie to thank for that!  And thank her I do.  Her hair cutting skills are rudimentary so I still look forward to a proper styling from my soul sister at new Moon.

The journey has just begun.

As I have written before I am supporting Maternity Worldwide in honour of this shedding of my dreadlocks.  I have a justgiving page that I am keeping open a little longer so if the work they do to make pregnancy and childbirth safe in developing countries speaks to you please show them some love!  They can do so much good with the £300 already donated by the amazing people who know me or know of me out there - MASSIVE MASSIVE LOVE to you!  Given that it only takes £15 to make one birth safe think how many women have been gifted not only their own lives but the lives of their newborns too.  

Till a little later ... sleep well, blessings bright X 

Monday, 4 March 2013

Letting go : part 3

I'm another 1/4 lb lighter and the end of this cycle is visible on the horizon. My feelings today? I preferred me with long hair. My face looks old. I can't back out. Weird. I miss them tickling my back.  I miss the coarseness of them.  Lightness.  Equanimity.  Unfamiliar.  Exposed.  Retreating inwards.  Bare.  

Savouring the last of these dready babies just one more time ....  



I totally lucked out when I found some half price organic Rosemary & Ginger Weleda conditioner in TK Max today so that made me happy! The next step is to condition and tease out what is left, then henna it good and proper before the drastic cut and re-style at New Moon.

Walking with an open heart, I think.


Spring Capers

This weekend I've done something different to try and avoid some of the fall outs we seem to be having.  I checked in with my intuition, made some extra effort and rustled up a hearty brunch for my boy mid morning.  Savoury and sugar free were my rules so a cheesy herby omlette is ideal and I think this extra meal between breakfast and lunch could have massively contributed to a much more peaceful weekend.  It did not affect his appetite at lunch or tea time but it kept him away from that dangerous precipice of distracted hunger and kept the boundless energy he has real and positive.  Points to mama!  Also trying the sugar free savoury approach at breakfast time after I learnt there are ten - yes ten teaspoons of sugar/sweeteners in a kid size portion of almost every commercial cereal going - except for shredded wheat!

The kids have started talking about Ostara today.  This is their own flow speaking.  Loving that they are feeling the seasons change and the wheel turn. Sunday should always be baking day EVEN if I have just come off a night shift and today we baked with this coming festival in mind.


The super cute bunny bread rolls are a fool-proof no-rise bread dough recipe.  I still prefer the results of regular long winded bread making but for the kids it is perfect.  Here's how we did it:

*  Dissolve 4 tbsp butter and 1/2 cup of honey in 1 cup of boiling water.  Stir until cool.

*  In a separate bowl dissolve 2 tbsp dry yeast in 1.5 cups of luke warm water.

*  Add yeast water to honey and butter.

*  To this add 7 cups of wholemeal flour 1 at a time.

*  Kneed on a floured surface then shape into bunnies or whatever else you fancy.

*  Bake for 40 mins at gas 4.

*  Eat and enjoy!

We finished our day by having a Home Cinema afternoon where we each have a job - Gaia is popcorn officer (she coined that term!) Zander is ticket officer and I am cup of tea officer.  Actually we barely saw any of the movie, we all fell asleep in one big warm delicious nest on the sofa and that in itself was bliss!

Lastly I want to link to Mama Earth Project here as I saw an opportunity with my camera handy to join with them yesterday in the daily photo prompt project running all through March urging us to connect with moments in mama nature.  BARE ... I stretched and dressed and did not want to put on three pairs of socks for the first time since winter arrived.  I wanted to feel fresh air on my feet - free and wriggle toes that have been cooped up so long in our cold house these long winter months.  I grabbed my birkies and skipped out with a basket full of washing, breathed deep and enjoyed the dew that fell on my feet as I moved through the grass.  It's the little things right?

With love and light and blessings bright X

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Saturday Spa Party

The girl is sick so my planned day in the woods with friends didn't happen .. sort of a shame as the spring was stunning today but the imps have made good use of the garden instead.

I bought some stretched canvases for cheap the other day so dug them out and got the kids painting.  I love displaying their art like this but cursed myself for not buying one for myself, that creative pixie inside is jumping up and down as if it will burst if it's not allowed out to express itself more often!  Things flow when the art supplies come out and Zander has started making butterflies and chrysalises to hang all over the house, totally his idea but so in tune with my own personal themes and thoughts of emergence and unfurling.  Gaia just  enjoyed covering herself in paint!  I remember Zander did at that age too, she still so small, easy to forget with her powerful command of language and mature attitude.

This afternoon we had our first Spa Party ... a new fixture for a Saturday but destined to be a regular one!  I swept Gaia's hair back in a band and wrapped her shoulders in a towel.  Home made face mask of oats, honey, goats milk and olive oil plus a few slices of cucumber.  It was like a rite of passage for a mama of a small girl painting her little finger nails for the first time.  I lucked out in the charity shop today with pots of pretty polish for 50p each!  She loved it!

And the boy had a turn too - I cut his hair.  Oh the dramas I have had over the last four years whilst washing and trying to free his long just-let-us-dread-god-damn-it locks.  No more!  I am no hairdresser but my crude styling skills are not too bad, he is in love with his new do anyway and so are we, we can see so much more of his gorgeous heart shaped heart breakin' little face.

Next week for Spa Party day I'm going to get them making bath bombs and massage oils for us to use.  Little lessons in self care early on in life are no bad thing I conclude, so very important in this crazy fast paced age we live in that is only going to become more so the older they get.

Love and light and blessings bright! X X X

Friday, 1 March 2013

Letting go : part 2

I'm all mixed up. Confident highs, uncertain lows.  The new lightness has been familiar, nostalgic, fun even but sad and alien too.  Emotion breached the surface as I crept into my cold bed  last night and was unable to curl up in  a nest of dreadlocks for the first time, I always loved that.

And, my impatience and apprehension simultaneously roll around competing like two storms would in the valleys I was born to but the biggest challenge of now is parting ways with my perceptions of who I am both within and without.  Without is proving troublesome since I took some lovely shots in the garden before hacking more off yesterday ... I forgot the excitement and impatience and remembered how much I love them


Focusing on within where  I am enjoying the honour this in-between-time is bringing to transition is easier.  Would it sound crazy if I likened it to the last few weeks of pregnancy?  Well that is what it feels like - non-time - when the inevitable is near yet so far ... ripe apprehension, excitement, frustrations too.  Desiring to prolong the last little bit of the journey yet wanting that end result.  Pondering and wondering if this could well be a re-birth for me so the comparison doesn't seem all that crazy.  Focusing on inner work so intensely is intentional.  I am embracing passionately the conscious movement in and out of cycles here in these moments and working hard so that I may reap what I sow ... and careful to sow and reap only mindfully and with mindful intentions.  Resonating words and themes that I am chewing on in this moment are forgiveness, synergy, vigilance, perception, resistance.

A gift of in-between-time allowing me to wriggle out of this skin, old habits and idiosyncrasies, to start easing in to, getting comfy in the new one - like a new pair of DM's it takes a wee while.  In-between-time to pay attention to guidance offered me and humbly bask in the massive love reverberating around out there.  PEOPLE are amazing.  People donating to the cause I am supporting, loving-it-forwards and conjuring words that warm and  stoke the fire inside.  People right through the spectrum from those I have known all my life and see often to those I have  connected with recently and have never met but totally HEAR in the cacophony of the universe.  Old friends, parents of friends, new friends, distant friends, sisters, brothers, strangers, elders.  In a way I feel I have found a place of magic.

and so another ten inches or so goes ...

much shorter and looking like sticks of liquorice as they really are full of crap inside  :   keeping love and power close to my heart.

Walking forwards with trust and love through the 'what have I done?!' moments X X X