I haven't written anything for so long! There have been so many times I've caught a thought or a musing and wanted to record it but not found the time like with a lot of things lately. I casually admitted to myself I now have so many balls to keep in the air that it's impossible to expect myself to manage everything all of the time. So I'm dropping some here and pick some others back up, all the time. Sometimes it's frustrating but it's realistic and this feels good.
As autumn fades into winter there is a buzz in the house. I lifted Winter, in it's box, gently down from it's hiding place upstairs and dug out copies of the snowman and vintage Christmas tunes the other day. I'm thinking bunting, sewing, making, much baking and arranging myriad gatherings. We're turning inward, calling the season in.
As this happens in our home so it feels as though it is happening in my heart too. My dearest friend once said 'the answers are inside Rose, I promise you' and in the last month it may be that I've seen a glimmer of this truth. I'm feeling some assimilation of all those books I've read, conversations I've had late at night and in the wee hours, the soul searching and courses, the mindfulness and meditation - even if it comes in sporadic tidal waves of enthusiasm. But always holding the belief that it is a useful thing to do. Could it be that finally I can dredge up these useful wisdom's I swore I'd not forget when I need them to change myself and my actions and awareness in that moment not in hindsight? Actually bring these philosophies and practises into everyday life? It has been happening more and more. It's about time. Giving up isn't a choice and as this journey doesn't have a specific end, the path continues as do I, in faith.
I am still working nights, but to make things easier (only took me a year to crack it!) I have managed to consciously maintain positive thinking to fight the funk - reminding myself of what I gain like each day in the home with the children, no holiday childcare to sort or worry over absence from work through their illness. It has certainly helped but paradoxically now my mind has started coping with the flux of night shifts my body is giving me signs it doesn't like it. My memory is shot, my back is normally strained in one place or another, my monthly cycle has gone to pot and I find it difficult to regulate my body temperature. I just can't find anything that I can make fit with our circumstances. I keep trying, there have been some interesting jobs come up but all too many hours or not flexible enough, I shall be glad of the freedom to work days when Gaia is at school next September though I am not wishing that precious time away!
I have this saying that if you can give birth you can do anything and I sit back and look at how much other stuff I'm taking on on top of the regular madness and considering I am dropping balls left right and centre ... I think I'm insane! Some deep part of me truly believes what I say; that I can do anything, can cope with anything. It's a can do attitude. So long as anything doesn't regularly turn into everything.
Strangely I haven't taken many photographs in the time I've not been writing, but a few lovely ones from the end of autumn ...