Friday, 14 December 2012

Winter Wonder

The Season creeps into our home some more.  Lady G and I have baked numerous batches of gingerbread and mince pies and last night I sat and watched Zander write out all his Christmas cards himself, drawing a unique little picture in each.  I remember last year when he was only just beginning to write, he truly wanted to write all his cards but his attention span, interest and self belief didn't see him right the way through the list but this year he found joy and pride in it.

Last weekend Santa was camped out in some local woods and I heard tell he needed helpers ... any excuse to dust off the pixie threads really!  It was a rustic winter scene playing out, with a fire going all day and other pixie-mama-helpers.  Heart warming even through the cold just the knowing these will be memories my children hold of the winter festival in years to come. 


Wishing tree at fairy woods, a hug is sure to help a wish on its way!

I'm quite jealous of Santa, I loved his shelter and Mrs Christmas was there too helping to hand out the baby christmas trees to each child as a gift to them and their 'Planet Too' the tag read.


Gaia will rule the world with her confidence, Zander likes his mama's reasurance still.  Both of them make me go mushy inside with their uniqueness.

I have had the most ethical Christmas ever as I've found 90% of my gifts in our fantastic charity shops.  No lesser quality, no air miles or carbon footprint, re-using, re-loving, giving directly to charity.  I am just a little bit pleased with myself and can't imagine the amount of money I have saved and given simultaneously.

Still the internal soul work continues.  I struggle to put words to this process partly for fear of somehow cursing what feels like forward motion and partly because it isn't very orderly in my head.  I can feel curiosity and belief holding me steady and I feel things, little things making sense that haven't previously.  This is good and long may it continue.

But my biggest struggle at the moment is getting the children to listen to me.  Honestly it's as if I am not there.  It doesn't matter how softly or loudly I speak they show no recognition or interest in me whilst my mouth is moving.  It reminds me of the Charlie Brown cartoons where the kids are in school and the teacher, who you never see, is talking but the only audible sound is a repetitive droning noise - I am certain this is truly what the children hear when I speak!  And because they don't listen they don't seem to do anything they are asked, then told.  And then when I am frustrated and cross they get stroppy or upset and I'm the bad guy and the nag.  Even appealing to them with a brief explanation of the whole issue is of no interest to them.  I know they both listen well at school and nursery ... so relatively my worries are few, this is just parenthood.

Next week Zander has chosen to stay home and celebrate the Solstice here with us.  I gave him the choice of spending the last day with his friends at school or having our special day here and I was so proud he wanted to be here for Solstice.  They both have a growing awareness of what we mark, what we celebrate and revere.  In school they have had vicars in and 'lots of God and Jesus talk' as Zander put it.  He asks me questions, reaffirming to himself what it is I believe.  I love to explain and try always to emphasis as well that we all have a choice and that just because I have my pagan nature based beliefs and customs doesn't mean everyone else does and we must respect that - just like with us being vegetarian - something they are also both aware and seemingly proud of....

Seven sleeps till solstice!  Then we shall eat drink and be merry much!

Blessings love and winter wishes x

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Assimilating the practice

I haven't written anything for so long!  There have been so many times I've caught a thought or a musing and wanted to record it but not found the time like with a lot of things lately.  I casually admitted to myself I now have so many balls to keep in the air that it's impossible to expect myself to manage everything all of the time.  So I'm dropping some here and pick some others back up, all the time.   Sometimes it's frustrating but it's realistic and this feels good.

As autumn fades into winter there is a buzz in the house.  I lifted Winter, in it's box, gently down from it's hiding place upstairs and dug out copies of the snowman and vintage Christmas tunes the other day.  I'm thinking bunting, sewing, making, much baking and arranging myriad gatherings.  We're turning inward, calling the season in.

As this happens in our home so it feels as though it is happening in my heart too.  My dearest friend once said 'the answers are inside Rose, I promise you' and in the last month it may be that I've seen a glimmer of this truth.  I'm feeling some assimilation of all those books I've read, conversations I've had late at night and in the wee hours, the soul searching and courses, the mindfulness and meditation - even if it comes in sporadic tidal waves of enthusiasm.  But always holding the belief that it is a useful thing to do.  Could it be that finally I can dredge up these useful wisdom's I swore I'd not forget when I need them to change myself and my actions and awareness in that moment not in hindsight?  Actually bring these philosophies and practises into everyday life?  It has been happening more and more.  It's about time.  Giving up isn't a choice and as this journey doesn't have a specific end, the path continues as do I, in faith.

I am still working nights, but to make things easier (only took me a year to crack it!) I have managed to consciously maintain positive thinking to fight the funk - reminding myself of what I gain like each day in the home with the children, no holiday childcare to sort or worry over absence from work through their illness.  It has certainly helped but paradoxically now my mind has started coping with the flux of night shifts my body is giving me signs it doesn't like it.  My memory is shot, my back is normally strained in one place or another, my monthly cycle has gone to pot and I find it difficult to regulate my body temperature.  I just can't find anything that I can make fit with our circumstances.  I keep trying, there have been some interesting jobs come up but all too many hours or not flexible enough, I shall be glad of the freedom to work days when Gaia is at school next September though I am not wishing that precious time away!

I have this saying that if you can give birth you can do anything and I sit back and look at how much other stuff I'm taking on on top of the regular madness and considering I am dropping balls left right and centre ... I think I'm insane!  Some deep part of me truly believes what I say; that I can do anything, can cope with anything.  It's a can do attitude.  So long as anything doesn't regularly turn into everything.

Strangely I haven't taken many photographs in the time I've not been writing, but a few lovely ones from the end of autumn ...



With love and warmth and the hope that it won't be so long next time X