Monday, 22 October 2012

A Mother's Frustrations ...

I wanted to capture these thoughts and feelings as they happened for authenticity's sake.

Why is it still so difficult to keep all these damn balls in the air ... work-money-family.  We have a relatively humble existence, we don't have a lot of money but we do just manage to earn enough and spend meaningful time with our kids.  

I have come to understand there is always a sacrifice to be made in each phase of life - be it money for childcare, the hours spent working out the house, the money lost through spending more time at home or  most recently forgoing several nights sleep a week in order to keep the other balls of money and family in the air instead for a while.

But for all my pro activity in finding an alternative to working nights I am still so frustrated at the difficulty of the logistics of it all.  If it's not finding a job itself it is having to find childcare for the children at funny times for training in new said job or receiving not-very-friendly letters from current employer complaining about the difficulty I seem to be having finding childcare to cover training there.  I am feeling like it is either accepted that extended family a) are around and b) will help out or women generally don't move jobs or go back to work till both kids are at school so none of these employer types actually realise what a task it is working all these arrangements out.

We don't have extended family or friends that can help and my favourite child-looker-afterer is on the opposite side of town to Zander's school and isn't available past school pick up time.  Meanwhile Zander has asked to be home schooled and Gaia is not enjoying nursery as much as she did at first - finding being without me very difficult.  My tribe need me, I'm being pulled in multiple directions and my head is in such a pickle over it all that I can't decide what the right thing to do here is.

Back in the day it was simple - women stayed at home to keep house and raise the family.  Women fought for the right to go out to work just like men but now we've proved how good at multi-tasking we are, we are expected to do it all - raise the family, keep the house and earn a crust and at the same time the price of living keeps going up and any help we once got in the shape of tax credits is now non existent.

I don't like to moan but keeping frustrations in is no good for anyone!

Off to find solace in little things.

love and light X

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Wholesome is ...

Hearth and home still call. Gaia is showing a lot of emotion and tiredness since starting nursery. It has surprised even her I think. She is like her mama - she believes she is invincible and can continue ploughing through all the things she wants to do without considering her energy reserves. So I am trying to honour her fatigue by spending non-nursery time together at home and forgoing some of the lovely things we would normally do like bounce-around, music group and meeting friends for walks and coffee. Constantly being out of the house, sociable and hearty though it is, is tiring now nursery is part of the picture and leaves us feeling disconnected at times.

We stayed home today and subtly a wholesome flow started to trickle through - refreshing us like a cold mountain stream, really it did and bringing with it moments to be present in



today wholesome was ...

how Zander thoughtfully picked out the star necklace for his sister this morning saying 'you want to look your best' for the school photographs

unplugging, tuning out

tuning in to something different

the simple fun of watching marbles going round and round over and over

when Gaia announced 'I think I lost something in my head'

making nature journals together

bathing feathers, leaves, barley corn and sycamore seeds with glitter

knocking up a new outfit for Catsy from an old pair of tights

and how they both thoughtfully cleared the table for dinner and totally tidied the playroom up tonight ...

... I am blessed, many times over.

with love and light X

Monday, 15 October 2012

Thrifted threads lovingly re-imaginend

I am feeling quite alive for the re-emergence of some of my creativity.  This month has been a bit of a journey in that respect   - a sequence of inspiring events/meet ups/friends and signs.  Really listening to the universe and thinking 'what the heck I'll go with this' has given me the something I needed to dust off the sewing machine and un-lock my imagination.

here is the first piece I sold but I have another butterfly and many more stars so could make another bespoke ...


I need to spend some time setting up some sort of little on line shop as I am setting myself the target of up-cycling/creating two pieces a week.  I have kids clothes to play with too.

These two are also finished ...



the possibilities with a box of thrifted clothes and stashed fabric are endless, it's just time I need to find more of.  Thoroughly enriching though, creativity is definitely important.

love and light


Sunday gold ...

look what She went and did as a finale to a beautiful sunday!


which began like this ...

Satisfyingly impromptu moments, coming together to craft in our individual ways but together at one big table ... strewn with supplies and happy chaos ...

I loved it when Zander asked us each to stop what we were doing so that he could draw our portraits ... Gaia's slightly rabid look and my lofty wine glass elicited many inner chuckles lest I should offend him if any got out!

how our collective (almost definitely hereditary!) soft spot for this is becoming sunday tradition whilst daddy's out at the gym  ...

And I marvelled at Zander's clever spelling with Lego idea.

Cliff and I dug over the ground in which we will plant our mini orchard next weekend!  I even snuck some time to read passages of various books and wrote up a list of things to achieve in week 4 of 'sort my-so-called-life out'.  I am moving forwards, it's a great feeling and today I may retrospectively map what I've achieved so far over a pumpkin pie latte.

Sending out positive vibrations for the coming week X

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Life as Meditation

... I never wanted to use the term worship for these posts even though that is where the idea loosely came from (see here and here) and today as I berated myself for dropping regular meditation practice AGAIN I figured this noticing and holding little things sacred could be meditation.  So there we are .... life as meditation ... it sits well and works well for a time poor mama.  These are the moments I lingered a little longer in yesterday ...


her imagination

and mine

shades of green I've never even seen

combining instinct and knowledge with listening to nature

finding him wrapped around his snoozing sister 'because I love her'

just noticing a creeping thirst for wordier words

love and light X

Thursday, 11 October 2012


the strong call from hearth and home

unspoken needs of the children

... instinctively answering ...

the perfection of a heart warming bowl of porridge after school

And ...

... less audible, more subtle comes the call from a metaphorical home, a soul home. I am listening.

wisely recognising there is no such thing as coincidence or chance meetings

Saturn visible aside the new moon rising

girl friends.

blessed be X

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

little blessings




first winter robin so clearly and unmistakably calling me to the back door to greet him ...

the warm snuggy goodness of a jumper ...

cracking on with my sewing projects which I hope to generate an extra pocket of income with ...

watching sleeping beauty and drinking pumpkin pie lattes under blankets with Gaia ...


listening to the universe, discovering my moon sign

I am really enjoying simply noticing the sacred things in each day.  I love words and metaphors and poetic meaning but there is something very wholesome and grounding in this more simple practice.  So I mean to continue this way for a while and leave detailed reflection and self analysis until it naturally comes a knocking on my door again.

love and light x x x

Monday, 8 October 2012

Soul Food

This mama still feels like she's floundering slightly but nature and sharing struggles with a dear friend have a funny way of soothing the soul ...

today these are my blessings counted ...




To feed my soul a little more I went out to a gig by myself for the first time.  When I was younger I know I would have felt awkward with just myself for company but after the weekends challenges it was so absolutely right.  Finally This Is The Kit played Cambridge.  Not only is Kate's voice pure folky goodness, she is an old school friend I have not seen or spoken to in sixteen years.  Imagine how my heart leaped when she found me for a chat beforehand.  

And after chamomile tea and crumpets on my return I slept happy.

love and light X

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Sacred challenge

Good days make it easy to see what is sacred in life ... in challenging days I sometimes struggle to find it.  Today, finally at 9 p.m i thought of what is sacred about a challenging day, which today has been ... 

... what is sacred is the fact the very manor of the day gives me the impetus to keep questioning ... questioning my parenting methods, questioning where we are all at, why we are stuck in these ruts, what we all need and how I can find us all an easier path.  A challenging day fuels my curiosity and causes me to want to develop and understand more about my children and motherhood and human nature.

Tonight I am questioning and with spirit I will keep questioning and hold close the promise of a new day full of new beginnings.

love and light X

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Ethereal October



maidens gaily trip ...

where faeries secretly sit ...

she forages, berries, whose 'blood' stains her cheeks red as cherries ...

I forage, something old now something new ...

that waits to be filled with sweet nectar promise of that something blue ...

and my boy his spirit shone so when his friend Gwen came to tea ...

a joy to behold their playful fluidity, their ease and delight in each others company ...

asleep in my bed and my arms he did fall ...

so much that is sacred, grateful for one and all.

love and light X