I've had a stressful 48 hours realising my love affair with night shifts is over and admitting to myself that accumulated tiredness after seven months is starting to manifest itself destructively. A changing of the staff guard has also left a sour atmosphere in the house I work at, I can't be doing with bitchy 20 somethings doing what bitchy 20 somethings do! So to all those who have looked at me as if I'm mad over the last seven months - you were right, I'm bonkers ... but I'm proud to say I had the balls to try it!
I definitely feel another change in the wind, says I. I have been manic today and not a very good Mama. It is as if Gaia sensed it, she's been gentle, kind and seemingly content as I've trawled job sites, made phone calls and mostly worn a frown. Thankfully at around 1p.m I had the realisation that my anger and negativity were literally blinding me. I stopped and mindfully noticed the circle of torment I was starting to put myself through - the first dart, the second, even a third. Isn't it funny how those things I learnt on my MBSR course last year have over time embedded themselves in my psyche. Though perhaps they are not so noticeable on a daily basis, whilst feeling slightly desperate today my sub-conscious stood madly waving a red flannel flag to stop my runaway train of a brain in it's tracks and heed that I need to give out positive vibes if that is what I'm hoping to find in the world around me.
So my inner me sat cross legged for a while on the carpet of consciousness, dignified, curious, peaceful and letting things flow. I have resolved that if I can be calm and measured about things then the answer will come. Another case of leap and the net will appear.
I've considered a great many possibilities today from waitressing to administration but after an enthusiastic descussion with Cliff tonight I have good feelings towards childminding and that is where I am going to investigate further.
Meanwhile I want to give thanks for my little ones spontaneity this last weekend...
... as we cycled into town to procure fathers day presents Zander asked 'whats a mummy', to which I replied 'I am your mummy' .... 'no not that kind of mummy, a mummy' .... 'ah I see ... shall we go to the museum and find out more? It's only round the corner' .... 'oh yes please, really?! And the dinosaur one too!'
And so a 'quick trip' into town turned into a nourishing afternoon of home ed - two meuseums, a charity shop and a jazz cafe. Exactly what we all needed, totally sponateous and child lead.
This is exactly what Zander wanted to give to Cliff for fathers day, so I dusted off my jewelery making skills....
Gaia wanted to make him biscuits, so we did ....
And this is what I found after I asked Gaia to tidy her bedroom floor ...
Somehow it doesn't look so bad in sepia. Literally everything from the floor is stuffed in there!
I'm hoping my two cups of valerian tea will give me the good nights sleep I didn't get last night or the night before. And as Anne Shirely once pondered
"Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"
I'll drink to that.
Blessings and light X