Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Tooled up

I'm hitching a ride back on the mindfulness express.  But I wonder why it takes some kind of project to inspire me back  into motion once again, why I can't just do it for the sake of doing it.  Invariably I need some specific short term target to mobilise myself in to action, if the target seems too far off or is non specific it's a case of....meh!  I've neglected my regular practise over the last couple of months with festive chaos and various other excuses - alas 'best laid plans of mice and men oft gang awry' ... but I am aware that I can't go any further forwards if I don't revive and sustain the practise ...  I remember what my mindfulness teachers told us ... you don't have to like it, you just have to do it.  Tru dat.

January hailed the start of my CBT sessions, another good kick up the proverbial butt.  I have a head start being well aware of my complexities and a vision of where I want to be.  My therapist introduced me to the Hot Crossed Bun behavioural model which has been fascinating.  Thoughts, physical symptoms, feelings and behaviour all perpetuate one another, it isn't a simple circle turning in one direction like time, it works in all directions hence the analogy.  It was a revelation to learn that instead of trying to change undesirable feelings in order to eliminate undesirable reactions and behaviour, if I work on the behaviour first the feelings will diminish and therefor the belief that the behaviour is necessary will too.  But the gold in the mine honey, is the tool I am arming myself with.

47.  That's my number, my favourite tool.  Like the infamous 42 in The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy - the answer to life the universe and everything.  Why?  It was the first number that presented itself when my therapist suggested I try counting slowly backwards from a large random number when I spot a trigger thought or the physical symptom. It stuck.  Just saying that one lone number to myself when I feel the warning signs of tension tapping me on the shoulder softens my posture and disengages my two tight jaws from one another.  I breathe and I enjoy the count backwards like it were meditation itself.  I have never got back to 1 but the process is liberating.  Who knew? 

47 takes no time at all, doesn't need a special mat or a peaceful place to sit, can be called upon anywhere in any situation and nobody knows.  The most exciting part is that the distance it provides is enabling me to start working a step ahead and start recognising a potentially stressful situation before it even occurs ... thus I avoid falling into the same behavioural holes completely. Yes! (does a little dance)

My expanded tool kit is based around finding happiness, peace and a sense of self.  And I think this sums up my mission nicely;

The number 47 - counting backwards from it.  Just a note; it has to be a number significantly higher than ten otherwise the mind subconsciously views it as a countdown .. to explosion or similar I guess.

Flash card reminders of trigger thoughts stuck to kitchen walls i.e. 'I don't have to deal with this right away' and ' leave the history behind'

Meditation - every other day.

Yoga - every day I'm not meditating

Reading poetry

Bubble baths,

A glass of Red wine,

Walks in the fresh air


2012 has to be different, I've turned thirty, I'm a woman now.  I have experience and knowledge and insight - it's time to utilise them.  The wise and beautiful words of an on line friend are softly ringing in my ears ... 'it's time to come home to yourself'.  I like that, I hope I have an open fire burning and a cup of steaming chai waiting on the side.  And it qualifies the words of my oldest and dearest friend when she told me I already know the answers, they are inside, she promised and I know she's right, I'm doing it.

My babies have been poorly this week, Gaia's temperature went off the scale - literally my thermometer only went up to 40 c.  With illness comes that clingyness, they have needed me more.  I like this too.  Gentle resting indoorsy days are what Mama thinks best, with crafting to keep us from crazy.

This scrumy boy of mine has been showering me in very squeaky kisses.  I could gobble him all up!

Now they are older we can enjoy the marble run properly

I figured if I'm commiting to yoga every other day then Gaia will probably have to join in too some times ...

 Her Downward dog rocks

But the Tree is a tricky one

And we both had fun scampering up and down this bubblewrap runway.

Imbolc tomorrow, first day of spring ironic then that the cold winds blow and it's feeling more wintery than winter ever did.  But the evenings are getting longer and it's not too soon to start thinking the spring equinox is near.  There is much to do in the garden, if the ground is not frozen tomorrow we'll plant ceremoniously and get a fire going.  As always - another celtic festival - another chance to tend to the metaphorical seeds we've been sowing.  When I say we I mean I.

Love and blessings x x x

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