Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Up Beat

Cheeky li'l honey!

I am ever amused by how negative drafts, written when emotions are high can, with time evolve into much more positive beasts.  The draft for this post was so woe is me and undoubtedly this initial getting things out when feeling blue is therapeutic.  But, it is even more so to leave these beasts a while and come back to them once the fog has cleared.  Sometimes I re-read where I was at and in contemplation and hindsight see a fuller, more objective, more positive picture and start replacing words, phrases and paragraphs with more sunny similes.  Other times I'm so over it all and remembering the flavour of what I've written hit delete right away and start again.

I guess this is one thing they were teaching us on the MBSR course - how current mood and head state dictates how you react to a situation or mental event.  Alternatively if you give yourself space - be that ten purposefully counted breaths, a 40 minute meditation or a couple of days - weeks even, away from thinking about said event it gives you the choice of how you respond rather than react. 

Honestly, I've been low at times these last two weeks.  Working nights isn't nice.  It's getting easier though as I work out the best rhythms whilst there for my body clock.  I always have a 5 a.m low when I am pining to be tucked up in my warm nest usually awaiting the early awakening of my bears.  I don't like the 24 lag my body clock has the next day and I am going a 36 hour period on only a few hours sleep.  Before I started the night shifts, the job in general I asked myself is this noble, brave or just plain's madness I tell you.

But my good friends (where would I be without them) are reminding me that I made a positive decision to change my life - to get myself out of where I was at.  It is going to get easier but it's not ideal. 

So after giving myself that space to breath, meditate and think (or not) I conclude that it's transitory.  I have to keep earning so it will do for now and I can hope that something more ideal comes along.  It is a little annoying that it's a sacrifice I've had to make but then motherhood is all about constantly readdressing the balance in your life isn't it.  I deliberatly hesitate to use the word sacrifice in conjunction with the word motherhood because, trying though it might be at times, gaining two bright little buttons like Zander and Gaia can barely be seen as sacrifice can it now!  And lets face it readdressing the balance will be on going - the this's and that's will change as our children grow, I think the key must be in remembering this and not resisting it, sitting with it and letting it be.  Whatever happens it is finite, if all my kids remember is that one or two mornings a week mummy got home after they had breakfast then I can dig that.

Can't stay blue for long, there is so much joy springing forth in our house right now with the countdown to Solstice and Christmas ... yes the winter festival has officially landed, starting to call it in!  The Christmas CD is on constant rotation, Cliff will just have to suffer it this year though I did go and buy the crooners collection to accommodate him!  It's all Elvis and Bing, Frank, Louis and Ella in our house and I'm loving this vintage feel.
There has been much dancing to said crooners, the kids love that vintage jazz feel too and my boy is practising his own songs for the winter concert at school next week ... Mama here can hardly wait!

1st December hails a crafting frenzy.  Sewing machine is out there much to be made - bunting, popcorn and cranberries threaded, cinammon bundles, bird food cakes (which were partially eaten by Gaia!)  Mince pies, strings of salt dough decorations, cakes, puddings, those ever elusive scarves I promise the children year after year?!

The advent calendar I made last year came out, though I had been working the previous night and totally forgotten I needed to source treats for the pockets.  I blamed it on the Elves running late and they arrived shame faced just before Zander got back from school with promises of punctual deliveries for the next 24 days!  

Since I stopped working day times it has opened up a window for me to just hang out with our dear childminder Lorraine in the country park, how beautiful it was last Thursday with icy clear blue skies ...

I was a shy honoured guest stepping into my little girls world, she knows many people who regularly walk their dogs through the woods, she was at home, I was the outsider but I beamed watching her in her element learning of the joy her smile brings to others too.

We've enjoyed another fire in the garden (it was necessary I started to fall asleep whilst 'supervising' scissors after a night shift!)

I have a thing for pictures of feet and fires!

and there were many pleas to shuffle a little closer so to warm toes just a little more .... ever enthralled by the warmth issuing forth as if 'twere magic ... isn't it though?!

Feel that Mama, he said as he placed his toastie little hand on my chilly cheek.

On Saturday we made a special trip to the country park to visit Santa.  Zander wrote a wish list and sat clutching it barely containing his shy excitement.  I should know better than to give these two 24 hours notice of such things, it was torturous for them to have to wait!

But so worth it.  Loving the rustic scene.

He kindly made the visit in aid of a little girl, Supatra, who was looked after by our childminder at the same time as Zander a few years back. At the beginning of the year she was diagnosed with a rare and terminal brain tumour and at that point her life expectancy was no more than 9 months. Her local community have rallied around raising money for the one and only treatment that will extend her life a bit longer. Lorraine thunk this particular fund raising event up and it was just beautiful. 
At a time of year when we are all high on life it is another sobering reminder to give thanks for what I have - my family and our health. Nothing more sobering and humbling than to read one tag left by a child on the wishing tree in Fairy Woods. In amongst wishes for bikes, lego and other myriad Christmas presents one child had simply written 'I wish that Supatra gets better'.  I'm choking just thinking about it, I cannot begin to imagine what her and her parents must be going through right now. Holding them in my heart.

There is so much tragedy in the world, happening to people I know right now, it seems cruel, this is reality though.

The dark and light of it all ... one of lifes dualities.  In this the darkest month we will soon celebrate the light returning as the days grow longer from the 21st.  So much to be done in between now and then, so much excitement to breath into the house and my children's dreams yet.  I'm taking fabric and yarn to work tonight so that in quieter moments I can keep this drum of excitement beating.

Love and Light x x x

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