This week I have questioned endlessly; so many how's and why's and do I's? I question beliefs I've had for years, I question people I thought I knew, I question the hands of fate, I seriously question karma and am ready to out right reject it. I question human nature. I have addressed and questioned the sky; searched it for answers oh so many times.
And I've questioned myself and asked what's really important in my life?
I can tell you what ... it's the people that come home to me every night, the people that sit at my table and eat (or not!) the food I've cooked, the people that bring me precious stones from the childminders drive way, the man who makes me a cup of tea .... 24 hours after he offered it, the girl who knows damn well she'll get her own way despite what her mama says if she just tilts her head coyly to one side and gives it the puppy dog eyes just like her daddy. The boy who crawls in for snuggles first thing in the morning whilst it's still dark and tells me I'm the cutest Mama at school, the man who falls asleep on the sofa each night and pleads with me to make him his lunch after he returns sweaty and ripped from the gym each saturday ... each saturday I make a fuss about 'always having to do it' ... then 30 seconds later I slink back in asking 'how many eggs was it you wanted babe?'
I am a lucky woman. You wouldn't guess it the way I go on sometimes, but I am, I realise that fully now.
In the face of tragedy I have found some clarity. It is clear that I am rich beyond measure in family, true friends and love. Once more and every day now in fact, I give thanks for all that I have.
This week we hold each other tighter, tight like when we first met. We hold each other in bed at night. We say I love you more - like when we first started saying it. I give in to the kids requests without such a battle, who cares if they already watched a movie today, watch another ... we live but once. I ignore the floor, the floor I haven't washed in .... you know what I don't even know when I last washed it it was that long ago ... there's time for that when the kids leave home.
I give thanks for the women in my life - the women from the church our playgroup is run at; for their kindness, their hugs, their support, prayers and thoughts. To my childminder for her endless generosity and a bolt hole to run to. To my sister for her , as always, wise words. To Katie, the mama in the playground I knew instantly I wated to be friends with who gave me a hug yesterday morning.
This week I have struggled; struggled to comprehend things that have happened, struggled to remain in the present, struggled with my Mindfullness homework ... I wondered how exactly does one keep a 'pleasant events' diary in a week beset with tragedy. My entry for friday read 'Sorry, absolutely nothing pleasant happened today, awful, horrible tragic day' and for the most part that was true. Then I thought harder, real hard, like searching for that lonely needle in a haystack. I reminded myself how I commited to this course and the home practice that goes with it, how good it is for me, so I searched for the somethings, the anythings that had made me feel good this week, pulled me through. And I started to remember; the things I'd clutched at desperatly when I thought my heart would totally shatter ....
thursday ... I stopped and watched the ripples of light on the water reflecting on the riverbed as I cycled home through meadows. I watched them mindfully for nearly half an hour 'change their size but never leave the stream ... not in a permanent sense' if I may paraphrase my hero Bowie.
friday ... those hugs, those long, strong, large bear like embraces from Cliff.
saturday ... feeling my boy falling exhaustedly fast asleep in my arms on the sofa, his weight changing, breathing changing, the peace written on his face.
sunday ... I bathed with Gaia, for nearly an hour, topping up the bath each time it got cold, my heart warming up a little each time she wriggled over my belly like a little fish.
monday ... remembering to embrace the season once again. Autumnal making and baking.
tell me, is there anything intrinsicly wrong with getting my two year old to help me make sloe gin by counting those berries of promise into the empty bottle? I didn't think so!
All these things, and these .....
... the seemingly smallest of things, have this week been the most important of all, the lightness in the dark. This is a good sturdy lesson to carry forwards, through all the good times as well as the bad, these little things are the most nutrient rich of all at lifes table.
Though I try and remain present for my little ones, there's a melancholy that still sits simmering on the back burner of the stove that is my heart and warm salty tears lurk on standby in the corners of my eyes. Cliff see's it, he calls me from work to check in. Mindfully, I have accepted that this is the way things are in this moment, I need not wish they were otherwise and this has given me the space to simultaneously live family life and the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that stirred with last weeks news.
We will take a long weekend away this weekend. We will take time; time to stop, time to breath, time to love, time to grieve, time to reconnect, time to hold, time to think, time to feel, time to be. That is all. We will let the sea winds rip right through our beings, give thanks for what we have as a family.