Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Moments ...

I was mourning the loss of my trusty little digital camera (I dropped it on the kitchen floor) until this evening when I finally got to grips with the new camera I have been playing with the last week or so. It belonged to my late mother in law. I'm not keen on the long delay which means I'm missing some beautiful moments, but I suppose equally I'm catching some beautifully natural ones as well.






 
I’ve been playing over in my mind something Zander said twice in the space of a few days. ‘Mummy I wish I was Gaia’. I guessed why before he’d elaborated but I asked him to anyway. ‘You don’t get cross with her’ he said. My heart sinks. I know. I’m starkly aware that this is how unjust it appears to him.



Reality check.  Note to self ... Breathe, let those little annoyances go, like water under a bridge.

No need for cross ...

Just love...

… love for my children, my best little friends, which swells like the sea. Regular, infinite, rolling waves. The other night as I leaned into this feeling I was overwhelmed by it. The background noise of everyday life muffles out my intense feelings until the day is done and they are tucked up in bed and it’s just me, myself and I.

The noise stops, space grows...

and I can replay the memories in my heart...

… ‘beau’ful eyes mummy’
                                       Gaia says and I look back into hers, sparkling like denim jewels.

‘Portobello Road, Portobello road, anything and everything a chap can unload ….’
                                                                                                                      Zander sings word for word from Bedknobs and Broomsticks,

‘Guffayo, what guffayo, didn’t know?’
                                                         Gaia recites the ‘Guffayo’ on the bike heading home from the shop. She kisses the insides of my elbows alternately all the way home, soft sweet little kisses.

I make silent vows to myself; treasure each moment more, hold each gaze longer – fall into their eyes, surrender to their whimsical ways and kooky ideas. Hug harder, laugh and smile more with them, have more fun, do more things, goof about, listen to them, for they are wise and the way they see the world is simple but real.

These feelings of overwhelming love are effecting me in more ways than one … I’m normally a very frugal creature but of late I have noticed myself buying more things - not tat, nice things, well made things that I want them to have & I’m taking them more places that aren’t free to try new stuff like swimming.

I am not trying to buy their love, I keep telling myself … or am I?

I just want their experience to be myriad, varied and vibrant. I want them to have supplies at their finger tips that will inspire their imaginings and creations. I have never done the whole retail therapy thing before but I wonder if I’m starting … selflessly for the kids!
I save other ways though; so although not scurrying money away we are living and I’m going to leave guilt in it’s box tonight, lid tightly shut!

Some more memories etched onto my mind from the last few days...

...Bath time last night. As I gazed into Zander' eyes time seemed to stop, things seemed to slow down, even sound was distorted in my mind. I realised I was in the present and the present felt good.

I found Gaia proudly weeding my vegetable bed; only I'm going to have to replant some lettuces now. I couldn't be cross with her for doing as mama does!  And the veg garden springs into life ...




Forget-me-nots are my favourite flower ever!

Please let there be pears this year!

Pea shoots!


 

 






Sleepy feet after a long and happy day playing with good friends in the sunshine.
Gaia awoke briefly but hunkered back down to sleep in my arms for a while. I dozed too. I love nothing more. I don't do this often enough. I'll try and do it more!

Love my boys locks.

I loved watching Zander wrestle with my best friends boy today. They were like lion cubs, rolling around and pouncing on each other. There were no tears or ill feelings, everything about it 100% playful. Ordinarily I'd probably have insisted Zander stop but having watched them closely I judged no harm could come from it. Thinking about the lion cubs - only good can come from it. They were practicing instinctual survival skills and testing their strength against one another. They seemed well matched though Oskar is older Zander is feisty. They revelled in their wrestling, neither wanted to stop. We had to literally prize them apart from each other so that Tefa could get them home.

Bright Blessings X

2 comments:

  1. Lovely post - I can resonate with so much of what you say, slowing down treasuring the present moment, letting things go.... Like Zander, I know Mia feels that she is usually on the receiving end of any crossness too, it is always hard for the eldest sibling, every day I strive to remember how tiny she once was (and how she is still little right now too, even though she is bigger than her brother and sister!)

    Forget-me-nots are one of my favourite flowers too :)
    Love the veg growing photos, we are behind this year! Hoping to plant more this week though..
    Love to you all
    Gina xx

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  2. Ah Gina I m glad it is not just me and mine. I was the eldest and felt like I was the guinea pig. I resented my parents more relaxed attitude towards my siblings sometimes. I would like to nip this in the bud so Zander doesn’t feel like this any longer. I don’t want to think of it as inevitable, it must be possible to treat all your children as equals.
    Happy Thursday X

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