Friday, 31 October 2014

Samhain Reflection

My life now, compared to this time last year is virtually unrecognisable except perhaps as it had been a distant vision then. Something so distant I could barely make it out in the protracted future, not guessing how close it really was and yet simultaneously I could barely make myself out in the unhappy landscape I had grown comfortable in the familiarity of.

I have done what I thought for many years I could not, perhaps should not do. I climbed a mountain one precarious step at a time. And I nearly fell, fell right apart at the seams. I got horrendous vertigo and doubt, doubt taunted me breathing it's sour breath over my shoulder as I tried to stay focused and blinkered to the path ahead.  


The bottom of my heart fell right out and grief ripped through the deepest parts of my soul. I've stood in waterfalls of my own tears and the bonfire of all I have worked towards for so long. But all the while an ember of knowing and tenacious gumption stayed kindled in my heart, refusing to be extinguished, one single solid root stayed anchored in my resolve and I didn't give up, I didn't take my foot off the gas. Adrenalin and cider were my questionable friends, but without them I would have imploded.  

And now dust settled, here I be writing from the cosy living room of my own harmonic nest. Even the slight chaos of toys scattered after a week of having the children here over half term seems tender in it's symbiotic relationship with us. 

For many years, at this portal time where the worlds stand closer and things become introspectively clearer I have fought the same quandaries and misinterpretations.  This year all I feel is an unfamiliar weightless freedom. My introspection now is simple on a daily basis in terms of the day just passed. There is no feeling of being trapped or desperate and helplessly lost in my own story, for I am the writer asserting my ownership and these blank pages my playground.  All is well.

That is all.  Humble, grateful, happy.




Wednesday, 10 September 2014

oh autumn

Oh Autumn you bring forth in me, always, wellsprings of poetic thee's and thou's as if I were not hopelessly romantic enough already!
That signature rusty palette you attend to all the Earth with?
Slays me as it sets the very trees ablaze!
And by the wind
- shards of fire shatter from lofty branches and come to rest as a gaudy carpet reflecting above below.

Oh Autumn
Somehow, you hang sepia in the air tinting everything precisely, how so?
You stretch shadows and wash the horizon with a delicate water-colour rainbow,
Whilst those slow herds lurch with a mysterious new grace, 
through your low concealing veils.
Veils which are thinning now - as is plain to see from the frivolous clues left by the Fae
Their enchantments and mischief suffusing even the most unsuspecting of places.

Oh Autumn you close the summer in such a way as it seems it might really go on forever after all.
But winter humbles us abruptly into a quieter remembrance.
A reverence to the undeniable duality at the very core of life.
As you sleep, 
She dreams hope.

Rose Wood
October 2013.

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Enter Autumn (stage right)

This season brings with it allsorts of opportunities for foolish swooning.  Swooning over low mists and ochre earth, over chestnuts and mushrooms and flamboyant colour.  Over that feeling in the air and other such fancy stuff.

The very last day of the summer holidays was a beautiful one.  I found this baby Chestnut tree whilst I was clearing a flower bed in the garden at the old house which Cliff and I both agreed I can retain my guardianship of.  The imps planted a conker last year and with adult sinicism I said it probably wouldn't grow.  Well it did! 
The blush of the pears so nearly ripe is so romantic and we tip our hats to the holidays and Autumns arrival the best way we know how.  Fire.  Always with fire.  And hair and clothes that smell of bonfires for long days after.  That should always be swooned over!

I'm so glad the weekend came so soon after the beginning of term.  I felt like a criminal not being able to do the school run on Friday - not just the school run but the first of the new year.  I missed the excitement and the confusion the reuniting with mama friends after the break the anticipation and the photo opportunity at the school gates.  It tore at my heart to think of Cliff in my place and it was not that he was doing it instead, it was that I had no control over my ability to be there because of work.  These long hours are suiting me less and less now that I only have the children half the time.  I fear looking back in the coming years and feeling like I have missed too much.  I know I had to get a day job that paid a reasonable amount and I know something had to give at home but rolling a review of it in my head now, has the exchange of sacrifices been worth it? 
A reflective season this always is but this Autumn will be different.  Considerations will be different, inevitably and I sense protective barriers guarding me.  So I await to see if the critiques and inspirations will begin visiting me as the days noticeably shorten and the shadows lengthen. 
Love and light and blessings bright X

Exit Summer (stage left)

Autumn announced it's arrival on September the first with a distinctly crisp bright morning, a crispness that only September brings and which sends a little thrill through my soul.  Summer lingers more shyly now like a lover who does not want to leave but must, doesn't really want to say goodbye, turns round again and again once more on it's way through the door.

I have not, until today, felt the familiar anchorage in  beloved non-time this summer; far too much has happened.  This I have missed with all of my heart but on reflection and on balance summer hasn't been too shabby.  A lot of coming and going between the two homes and for the first time since either of them started school the irritating interruption of having to work some weeks of the holiday.  There have been two extreme speeds of time - warp speed for when the imps are staying with me; it seems as if they are barely here two minutes before they are gone again.  And slow motion as I pine like a mother wolf for lost pups whilst they stay with Cliff.  Two days here, two days there, the rota rolls like that for now. 

I'm saving analysis on separation for another scrawl, another day.  So many thoughts and not much sense to be made from them yet.  Slowly perspective is beginning to shed gentle light on inspiration.  The summer holidays were basic on almost every level.  I do not honestly know how the children will remember them.  Maybe they will choose not to remember them maybe they will block them out as the summer Mum and Dad split up.  Maybe they will remember the nice things that did happen and the united front that organically grew between us in the wake of such immense change.  This whole scenario has always been about damage limitation and how to be a shining example of amicable separation and co-parenting.  If you believe something passionately enough it shall manifest.  And so As Is.

I do not have half as many tales as I would like to tell or half as many photographs as I would like but we started with adventure day involving making catapults for rival clans of mice to use in battle from different sides of the river bank (of course!) 


and being sure to leave a gift for the faerie folk.

Meet Whiskey and Mr Rusty, our new furry friends!  It is adorable the way Zander cradles Mr Rusty as if he were a newborn baby, I have seldom seen him so tender.


The Zoo!  Yes this was our surprise end of the holidays treat to them.  I am a terrible secret keeper but I managed to keep it right until we arrived, just!    The reaction we got from them wasn't quite what I had envisaged, much more 'huh?' than 'yay!'  I had my video camera at the ready but it was barely worth it, they'd no idea what a zoo is like having never been before.  But as is evident they settled in quite quickly, we could have left them with the monkeys and no one would have noticed.



Sealions are my new favourite animals (yes Squirrels have been demoted!)  They had an amazing sense of humour on them and were very willing to show off in return for a seemingly infinite supply of fish.

It has been a maelstrom of states and emotions.  It has been disjointed and a little bit surreal but we made it through in one piece.  Paradoxically I am glad it's all over yet not one bit at all.

So to summer I say 'so long and thanks for all the fish'.  To life I say What's next?

love and light and blessings bright X


Monday, 18 August 2014

Purpose & Place

Who am I and what am I here for? 
The days and nights that I do not have the imps staying with me I watch myself intermittently feeling purposeless and lost.  Strange it was to linger in bed the first solitary Sunday morning - irksome to catch myself thinking what is the point in getting up there is no thing I must attend to no purpose to my presence no reason.  Then once finally emerging only to hide all day in culinary distractions seasoning each dish with salty tears, admonishing myself for even contemplating this part time parenting model!
I am so used to being mama and house wife I have no idea how to be just Rose.  In fact who is just Rose?  And what is she here for besides Mama and guide to Zander & Gaia?
It occurs to me that whilst in this beginning it  stings and smarts to be without the two remote pieces of my heart I created, space that at first is feeling irksome and awkward may contain a luxurious opportunity that would not otherwise have been afforded me.  The opportunity to, out of necessity, identify myself singularly and then grow myself exponentially. 
How about that. 
Always with love X

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Stripping Back

Welding words together on an analytically emotional level is not right, not now.  I am content with not knowing how I feel or what I want.  I'm content with existing in a metaphysical limbo, content with the Zen of day by day, stripping back to the basics of being. 
With these two homes in our children's lives, in our lives now, there are half the material possessions surrounding us than there used to be.  Moving offered up the perfect opportunity to radically de-clutter and with my new home an empty box on arrival I have continued to de-clutter as I have unpacked.  I often wonder how it is possible to accumulate so much 'stuff' but then stuff sometimes holds stories and for that I love it. Some of it.
I'm simplifying in the kitchen too, enjoying a more basic approach to food as I don't have to stock my cupboards with anything I don't want now.  I can focus my attention on the simple wholefoods I love and believe in whilst chores are ever more manual now that I have no dishwasher.
My space my rules, so I have ditched the TV license and the myriad channels: no-one ever watched them anyway.  I am content with simply my internet connection and Netflix for purposeful viewing and with the television gone time stretches infinitely in front of us, our days lengthen filling with increased quality and endless opportunity.  It has been insanely refreshing to have a fortnight away from the internet.
I felt like I was on holiday and filled out my being with real presence rather than being distracted and drawn away from unsuspecting moments by the white noise of social media but oh how I have missed streaming and discovering music.  I even had to buy and read the paper to keep up with global affairs!  I have relished filling this gifted time with playing endless games, home baking, reading books, craft projects, post dinner strolls to the park and the Italian deli that sells the best ice cream in the world ever!  I have been thankful of having real mental space to process.  I have enjoyed all these ways of being and retrospectively we aren't doing badly I suppose, but the oceanic ebb and flow of emotions and copings - mine and the children's can be a little challenging.  We are all at one point or another during the day on a knife edge.
But there you have it.  It was never going to be easy, it is all about damage limitation which is a precarious balance when their wee consciousness's are unaware of simply being able to trust the process as we strive to. 
Keen to capture happy moments to hold in my heart here are the first from this new space of ours ...

 I love that they love.
I'm trying hard baby bears, real hard.  Love and light X

Friday, 1 August 2014


Whatever is afoot here is  most highly curious and confusing. 
1st August, Lughnassadh, time for reaping what we have sown within and without so I should not be surprised at the seeming coincidence of moving house on this day.  Moving out.  I have trouble saying 'moving out' and don't refer to the new house as 'Mummy's house' but 'the second house' and I've dropped referring to Cliff as 'the kids father' which for definition I did when we first separated, I've started using his name again when talking to folks.  I'm not excited, but I am not fearful.  I can't decide if I am numb and detached or weather it is equanimity gently emerging.
It is hard to untangle the cerebral string ball the cat of my consciousness is playing with up there.
Keeping perspective, remembering motives, trying not to over analyse feelings: difficult in the face of the incredibly pleasant month or so we have had in the run up to the move.  We seem more our own selves to ourselves and each other.  And whilst wonderful, it sucker punched me with grief and confusion.  I am in no doubt there are lessons here for me to learn and I know I'll pull them through,  when I'm supposed to, once the waters clear.
Moving feels right yet simultaneously it doesn't.  It feels real yet surreal.  Surreality I'm calling it.  Bittersweet, all those things.  It doesn't feel like the end curiously and of course I know it is not entirely - we will see each other every couple of days to pass the baton but where before we couldn't bare each others company cohabiting any longer, with recent pleasantries shyly returning, what happens if separated we want to start hanging out again?
Regardless of confusion and cats and string, space is undoubtedly benefitting us and in a succinct way I am looking forward to finding myself for I have never had my own house before.  I left home at 17 but have always shared living space.  At 32 I will have my own house for the first time.
I am keeping my heart open, to whatever the universe intends.  I am not closing any doors only opening new ones.  I am putting love light peace and happiness right out there because there is nothing else for it.
These garden swoons are from this morning.  Gaia was out harvesting the biggest sweetest blackberries you ever did see at 8am.  I will dearly miss this garden, this sprawling urban wilderness I have encouraged and nurtured.
And we had fun with Henna together too!  She looks absolutely incredible with burning copper hair, it suits her more than the mousey blonde hidden beneath.  Random passers by have commented all week on her amazing hair, stunned to learn it isn't her natural colour, possibly more shocked I let her henna it in the first place! 


She swam 3/4 of a length of the big pool with no armbands this week and Zander is now reading chapter books fluently by himself.  How they grow so quickly! 

Walking brightly, with love X