.... my baby bear is growing up faster than I would like. I've been a mama six whole years now - it is less a novelty and more, well, normal. And it's hard, in different ways than in the beginning - gone are the extreme sleepless nights but now there are other challenges brought on by that massive hit of testosterone he's getting right now. If I had known then what I know now I might have chilled the hell out, in hindsight the baby days seem easy and I know that as we move through life with them these days will also seem like the easy ones one day. I like to reminisce the days when it was all new, a novelty, when i could hardly believe what i was cradling, feeding, changing, soothing and I cling to those memories a while and vow I should recall them more often.
This last week I have mostly been a one woman cake baking factory ... over 70 cup cakes baked this week for gatherings of family and friends and for the class at school, it's a good job I like baking! On monday I found a really comfortable vibe in the behind the scenes mama'ing, with both kids at school and nursery and nothing else consuming my time I crunched through things in hearth and home, taking pleasure in my basic kitchen alchemy and of all things washing floors. I've said it before and I'll say it again ... clean floors and soul vibrations are closely linked I tell you!
Zander was so excited, bouncing off walls and so keen to get to bed on birthday eve so morning came quicker. I remember that. That exact same thought, then the excruciating wait for sleep to take me. I also remember stirring too damn early and the equally excruciating wait till it was 'officially' morning .... and for me as a mama that is not before 6am though the kids reckoned it was 3:45am that day! Very self sufficiently they had drawn the curtains as if to confirm mornings arrival and were playing happily when I dragged myself in and through squinting eyes demanded a couple more hours sleep of them. Somehow they obliged.
Precious moments from the day are glinting in my memory like gem encrusted earthy caverns receding into the distance, time passes too quickly. Surprising him and his class an hour before home time with the cup cakes I baked; his face beaming and glowing, I heard his heart pound as my love was affirmed, a fierce hug and a kiss before I left. The look on his little face when I gave him a quartz crystal point I bought for him whilst he was at school. Here's the thing, he knows Cliff will always fulfil his deepest toy wishes but he is openly and genuinely delighted to receive the earthy, quirky things I give from my heart, not denying who I am to him, sharing and showing love in my unique ways. This is becoming clearer about him, he loves our differences and I am in a luxurious position to be able to indulge them with Cliff always offering the alternative. And that night when his candles were burning and we were singing, he reached out for me and pulled me close until our cheeks were touching and it was time to blow the candles out and make a wish. Be still my heart.
We danced to the Kinks whilst Gaia trotted around on her unicorn and he offered that she open one of his presents so she didn't feel left out. In a way I feel like I barely saw him on the day, but I know he's had a good time with his new toys, his class friends and with Cliff. And it has always been my firm belief birthdays are seasons not just a single day. He had a little gathering of friends - Pizza making and play; I still keep parties unstructured and child led, it's the only way and they love that.
We kick started things the Saturday before when I took the kids to the Wandlebury Green Man festival - a whole blissful day surrounded by nature loving, old-ways celebrating folk and families, in our favourite woodland! There were crafts, heavy horses, storytelling, maypole dancing - I danced twice round with each of them and danced on after they grew distracted. Zander said 'mummy I loved the pole-dancing'! I made them crowns of ivy and beech, clematis and fir as they both made woodland swords. Look, they look like characters from myths and legends...
As the afternoon drew on it became clear Zander was buzzing with a stormy energy and kept saying he wanted a rain shower. We saw a storm moving in and when the sky opened they were both ecstatic, literally dancing in ecstasy in the rain, mouths wide open as we tramped through the woods. So in tune with nature, so sensing it, so needing it, so grateful and at one when it came. This isn't the first time this has happened, he always knows when a storm is coming.
Always with love and light X
